Can Your Relationship Survive Infidelity?

Couple in love

Can I survive my husband’s/wife’s affair? If it happened to you, could you find the strength to forgive? Experienced marriage counselors and therapists argue that a spouse’s infidelity is the most excruciating type of bad behavior in a marriage; it can’t be understood unless you experience it firsthand. After uncovering a spouse’s affair several common feelings will invade your body: sadness, anger, surprise, disbelief and eventually, grief. Some couples need years to forgive their partners, while others choose not to forgive and get a divorce. Which of these two options resonates with your principles?

An affair has more than one connotation. It can be a one-night stand or it can become a relationship. Is it possible for modern day couples to move on, forgive and rebuild their marriage after an affair? Apparently, yes. Infidelity can be overcome however the phases to recovery are not easy to abide by.

Dealing with the crisis

The first and most important step in recovering from an affair is the crisis step. It occurs as soon as the affair was uncovered or disclosed. In the beginning, you will feel deep betrayal and you will be in shock. All the love, trust, empathy, and confidence you had in your partner will vanish. However you must keep your cool. Acknowledge that it’s a phase and you will surpass it. It will be difficult and incredibly painful, but you will make it.

Don’t make any decisions during this time of crisis because chances are you will make the wrong decision. In order to start recovering you have to sink it in and accept it. There’s nothing you can do to change what your spouse did. What can you do to cope with the affair? Start by going out more often. Meet up with friends and family, or make your work more engaging. Do fun things to help you get your mind off your marital issues.

Accept what you’re feeling

The feelings you have now for your partner are normal. It’s perfectly normal to think differently about your marriage too; you may have a tendency to see it as a liability rather than a strength. Confusion, loneliness, sadness, and frustration will also make themselves present inside your soul. Some of these emotions will interfere with your better judgment, and they’ll change the way you see society and the people in your life.

Allow yourself enough time to heal

Woman holding a glass of wine on a sailboat, Tahaa, Tahiti, French PolynesiaYour heart needs healing before it can accept what your spouse did. Take some time off work, go on a vacation alone and clear your head. Surround yourself with beautiful places and unknown people; it will help you move on. People think a lot more clearly when they’re away. Detach yourself completely from your normal routine and don things you never dared to do. You’re in healing mode, so you’re allowed to do everything your heart tells you to do.

Face your demons

After a well-deserved healing period it’s time to face your demons. Meet with your significant other face to face and have a conversation. Make some decisions and talk about what you should do next – move on and letting go or stay together. Get marriage help if you can’t work things out alone. Counseling or couples therapy are recommended now that you’ve moved pass feelings of hatred and resentment.

If you feel the need to ask for an explanation, then do it. It can be difficult to accept, but many people cheat because they no longer get the attention they deserve from their better half. So they choose to search for it someplace else. Talk to your partner about your desires, and if you still love each other then you shouldn’t split up. An affair can be a wake-up call for many spouses, although it’s a harsh truth very few can accept.

Take things slow
Mature coupleNow that you’ve dealt with the crisis and faced your demons, it’s time to move on. The reconciliation process will be long, but you have to deal with it if you still want to be together. The betrayed party will still suffer enormously, although in time and with extreme care those feelings and insecurities will fade away. Everything depends on you! Take things slow and start from the ground up.

Remember the good things: how you fell in love, places you traveled together, secrets you shared, and love messages you sent to one another. Stay focused on the good memories and smile every day. Make each other happy and add more understanding and compassion to the mix. Don’t ignore your love life either! Spice things up in the bedroom and before you know it the affair your spouse once had will be forgotten.

There are ways to survive an affair, especially if you still love your spouse although we’re not saying it will be easy; because it won’t.

Written by Sylvia Smith 

(From Never Liked It Anyway, the number one destination for all things break-ups and bounce-back! It’s the place to buy, sell and tell all things ex! Sell your breakup baggage, tell your story and join the community of rock stars bouncing back better than ever! )

After Infidelity: Should You Make Up or Break Up?

 

ThinkstockPhotos-459139537An infidelity is a betrayal, a loss of trust. It is lying or disloyalty to one’s partner or lover. Infidelity may be sexual or emotional in nature and typically involves a third person. Infidelity does not necessarily involve physical separation, but can be characterized by emotional detachment as well. Emotional detachment can happen when you lose your partner’s trust, or if you lie to your partner or tell them half-truths. Betraying your partner may inflict a deep pain that is difficult to repair and sometimes causes irrevocable damage to the relationship that hastens its end. There are many things that can occur in the wake of an infidelity. If you are married, an infidelity could lead to divorce. If you are in a committed relationship, it could lead to a break up.

So what happens after infidelity occurs in your relationship? There are distinct stages a relationship goes through in the wake of an infidelity. Here they are:

1. Roller Coaster Stage: This is the time when strong emotions arise — emotions such as anger and self-blame followed by a period of introspection and appreciation of the relationship. Just like it says, your emotions go up and down, round and round and it’s a bit hard to figure out exactly where you are.

2. Moratorium Stage:This stage is a less emotional stage, at least for the person who was cheated upon. In this stage, the person affected tries to make sense of the betrayal. They may ask for more detail about the affair or retreat into themselves or quietly seek help from others regarding the issue.

3. Trust Building Stage: This stage takes place when the couple has decided to stay together. During this stage, the couple really tries to make their marriage work. ThinkstockPhotos-488960321They decide that a continued commitment to their relationship is important and with time, eventually forgiveness and trust can be achieved.

After an infidelity occurs, you may still find yourself often doubting your partner. Don’t lose heart, there is hope. Here are some signs that may indicate whether or not a  person is still worthy of your love:

  •  He/she expresses sincere remorse and regret for cheating on you.
  •  Heartfelt apologies feel true when you hear them.
  •  He/she accepts total blame for the betrayal.
  •  Your lover cuts off all contact with the third party.
  •  He/she shows a renewed appreciation, admiration, respect and devotion to only you.
  •  Your partner shows a willingness and openness to talking about what happened and why.
  •  He/she is willing and eager to go into marriage counseling with you.

If both of you are willing to participate in a deep, open, and honest conversation regarding your relationship and how you want to go forward, there is a good chance you will be able to work through your issues.

ThinkstockPhotos-160689431If, on the other hand, your partner is not open to discussing these things with you, and he is not demonstrating any of the possible reconciliation signs listed above, it may be time to cut your losses and get out.

Some additional signs that it might be time to end the relationship are: your partner seems to be more agitated than usual and seems to emotionally and physically withdraw from you. They may go out alone more often and may be making clandestine phone calls or working late hours. You might even receive anonymous phone calls at the house. If several of these things are occurring, then most probably your partner is cheating on you. If you find concrete evidence of that the infidelity has not stopped, then it’s probably a good idea to break up. A relationship based on lies lacks trust and lack of commitment is doomed to fail.

In the end, you have to make sure the blinders are off and that you make the best decision for you.