About 12 years ago I was with two of my friends at our favorite bar. One particular night we were sitting there having a few drinks and this guy walks in. He sits down and we start laughing. He was cute…in an odd way. We all laughed at his hat. It made him look like Edd from Ed, Edd, & Eddy.  So me being the outgoing one, was voted to go ask him to come sit with us. Little did I know this would change my view of men forever.

Doug came and sat with us. At first he seemed really funny but almost like a “burn out”, which made him even more humorous. He was SO not my type. He was in a horrible motorcycle accident and he had been in a coma for four months. That changed our views of him completely. Then we felt bad. The next couple of times we were there, Doug came back. He said he was looking for us. Long story short (yeah right)…Doug comes to visit me AND WOULD NOT LEAVE.

Two months later I am so sick of him and want him to go back where he came from. I had tried to help him find an apartment and he wanted one right by me. I told him that was not a good idea but he insisted. We are there and the landlady showed us around. All he did was look out the windows. I asked him what he was doing and he said “I need a good view of your apartment so I know if you are f*cking any guys.” I just had a blank look on my face. I was mortified. She just looked at us and said “ALRIGHTY THEN. ARE WE FINISHED?” I just nodded my head and closed my eyes as if to say “I am SO sorry.”

For me it wasn’t about love, at this point I just felt sorry for him…BUT HE HAD TO GO! He had a habit of beginning everything with “Baby…” or “Ummm (pause) sure.” My friends and I always thought it was hilarious. He would always ask me “Baby? Can I f*ck your friend? You know…the one that looks like The Weakest Link chick.” One of my besties has short red hair.

There was a party at my house one weekend and he was sitting there in front of all my friends and just leaned over and spit. I said “Did you REALLY just spit on my nice carpet?” He said “Ummm…sure.” I asked “Why would you do that?” He replied “It’s the ground isn’t it? Damn. Chill.” I finally told him I was dumping him off where he came from (an hour away). He REFUSED to wait until morning. He wanted me to take him back RIGHT THEN on a school night. So he decides to call my local police (small town) for a ride. I told him he wasn’t calling the police as if they were a taxi service and humiliating me. I put my hand on the phone to stop him. He punched me in the head (not hard…just enough to startle me) to get the phone. He called them and WHILE HE IS ON THE PHONE he says “If you don’t shut up I’ll punch you in the head again.” (I was crying at that point). So…you guessed it, police come and arrest him!

In court (again, small town where everyone knows each other) he’s in front of the judge. He asked if he could say something to me. I knew whatever came out of his mouth was going to be mortifying. I shook my head “no” to the judge as if to say “BAD idea.” But he allowed it. My friend sat there with her face in her hands (The Weakest Link Chick). She knew something bad was about to happen too. So in front of a crowded court room he said “Baby? I LOVEEEEE you, but when you p*ss me off it makes me want to punch you in the head.” The place went into hysterics and the judge put his head right down on the bench. The judge gave him a fine and ordered him to attend “anger management.” Even his counselor at his “Brain Injury” support meetings told me I was brave to deal with him. I ended up dumping him off with nothing but his clothes, vacuum sweeper, & Mark McGuire poster (don’t ask) at a bus station, and sent him home.

What a sight! I don’t know where Doug is today, but I’m sure he’s still a trip. Although he was a total loon…we all agreed that we still felt sorry for him. That’s just a few of my Doug stories. There are many more.  Never again have I met someone like him…and I’m A-OK with that!