When you said “I do,” you promised you’d stick it out no matter how sick, poor or miserable you got. Now you realize till death do us part is a really long time. Happily ever after? Perhaps a slight exaggeration.
Honeymoon is for the roughly half of us still hanging in there, mostly happily.
Author Jenna McCarthy presents an uproarious but insightful peek behind the curtains at the unholy state of matrimony in her latest book, If It Was Easy, They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living with and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. With ballsy wit and bawdy humor, she explores everything from male domestic idiocy and the frustrating misfires in spousal communication to how to stay true to the peskiest of vows: forsaking all others. Part in-your-face guide, part brutal confession, this book is a must-read manifesto on surviving marriage in an age when everyone seems to live forever and getting a divorce is as easy as ordering a latte.
Here is an excerpt:
Til Death Do Us Part Is a Really Long Time
“This book was born of something from which few good things (besides hot, furious makeup sex) ever come: a nasty, name-calling, knock-down, drag-out brawl with my husband. After we exchanged some particularly ugly insults and I lobbed a large cup of ice at his head, we did what the pros tell you never, ever to do (besides lob large cups of ice at your partner’s head): We went to bed angry at each other. Pissed oﬀ, if we’re being totally honest here. When we woke up in the morning, I looked at the man I’ve spent thirteen years assuming I will purchase adjacent cemetery plots with and I thought:
“I hate you.
“Now, as husbands go, I have to admit I did all right. Joe is unquestionably handsome, doesn’t leave ragged toenail clippings scattered about the house, and has never once, in nearly ﬁve thousand days of togetherness, left the toilet seat up. He’s seen me naked on numerous occasions and still wants to have sex with me. All in all, he’s a catch by pretty much anyone’s standards. And yet he still can make me madder than a bag of rabid badgers.
“Like I said, my husband is a decent guy. No, he’s a great guy. But living with the same person day in and day out, for years on end, is no confetti-dusted cakewalk. I once saw a comedienne slay an entire audience with this line: “When I said ’til death do us part, I had no idea it was going to take this long.”
Clearly she was joking. Mostly.
Ms. McCarthy’s TEDx talk has over 3 million views. In it, she shares surprising research on how marriages (especially happy marriages) really work. One tip: Do not try to win an Oscar for best actress.
Watch her hilarious trailer for her new book, too.
McCarthy’s past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
What others say:
“If Chelsea Handler and Dr. Phil had a love child, it would be Jenna McCarthy.” — Celia Rivenbark