By Mary Cope
We’ve all been there, your friend has been dating a guy and they are becoming serious. She is ready for you to meet him. She wants your approval. She wants you to like him…so, finally you meet – but there is something about this guy you just don’t like. You can’t quite put your finger on why you feel the way you do so you decide to give it more time. You interact with the two hoping to catch a glimpse of what your friend sees him, because as far as you can tell you just don’t see it and this guy is a loser.
So, what now? What do you do when your friend is dating a loser?
It’s inevitable once you meet him that your friend is going to look at you wide-eyed and ask, “Well, what do you think of him?”
A good word of advice is to be careful and don’t interject your thoughts too soon. If you answer negatively your friend may feel defensive, put her guard up and defend his actions rather than seeing him the way you do. Or, if you say too much too soon it could potentially backfire and your friend may get angry with you. If you begin boyfriend bashing you run the risk of your friend getting angry with you, defending him, and causing a wedge between you and your relationship.
It is better to answer your friend with the customary, “He seems nice,” then take it from there. Gage your friends’ reaction. If she seems on the fence or questioning his motives then you may sensitively voice your concerns. But, if your friend is really into this guy she may be too far in “la-la” land and unable or unwilling to hear anything negative about him.
Remember that love IS blind so you need to give your girlfriend time.
The beginning of a new relationship often has you feeling so euphoric you can’t see straight let alone see the negative in someone. Be sensitive to your friends’ situation. Allow her to get over that feeling of bliss. Give her the time she needs and allow the newness of the relationship to wear off. Then perhaps, she will be able to focus on the not so great qualities and see this guy for who he truly is. It is better to let her figure things out on her own before you tell her what you think . . . unless you have serious concerns for her safety.
The best way to avoid conflict between you and your friend is to direct questions to her and not attack her new boyfriend. Ask her questions such as, what do you like about him? Does he make you feel special? Do you laugh together? Approaching your friend in this manner rather than being combative may open up the opportunity to get you both talking and allowing your friend to refocus her thoughts. This may also help her question herself and open her eyes to seeing that perhaps “this guy” isn’t the “right guy” for her, allowing her to move on and find somebody who is.
Helping friends navigate relationships is always a risky business, but by gently encouraging them to evaluate their own relationship and expectations and supporting them in the best way possible, you don’t burn any bridges over a “Loser Boyfriend.”
[We’ve seen some bad boyfriends ourselves. If fact, we’ve collected enough of them to publish a book of stories about ‘loser boyfriends.’ It's called WHEN LOVE GOES BAD – check it out!]
About Mary Cope
Mary Cope is a first time author with Astraea Press. Her book, Beautiful One, is the first in a planned trilogy. She is currently writing the sequel, Beautiful Mess.
Mary enjoys spending time with her family, baking, listening to music and taking long walks with her yellow lab, Maggie.