Dear Second Acts;

Okay, I have a new boyfriend who I really like a lot. This is kinda weird, but here goes. He is too big. I’m talking big. Length, girth…every measurable dimension. I’ve been with quite a few men and they seemed to run the gamut in that area, but this guy is in a big league of his own. I mean, this thing is a monster. It’s like having a third being in bed with us. I didn’t actually measure it, but one ruler would definitely not do the trick. More like a yardstick. The first time we made love it really freaked me out. Yes, it was exciting, but it was also sometimes uncomfortable and a bit much. More than a bit. At various times I’ve actually been afraid that something might rupture, I might choke, or that I’d even be stretched-out permanently and rendered unsuitable for future mere human-sized specimens. Thoughts?

Out of Proportion

 Dear Out Of;

If you like this guy, you will work it out. Tell him how it feels, when it’s too much, when it’s just right, how much you can take, and so on. My suspicion is that you can take a lot more than you think, but even if I’m wrong, if he’s a good man, he’ll want to please you. Without talking out of school too much, I can tell you that I faced——quite literally——a similar issue one time, and although I was thrown by it at first, I quickly overcame——also quite literally——the “problem”. It really is true that it’s not size that matters, but what you do with it. On the other hand, if you know what to do with it, size can really matter. With very few exceptions, there is no such thing as too much of a good thing. So, girl, assuming you continue to like this guy for all the other good reasons women love men, I suggest you work this part out. And in. And repeat.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;
My boyfriend has a Wheaten Terrier named Brigit. He really loves that dog. And it’s understandable. She is incredibly sweet. But here’s the thing: he takes Brigit everywhere. I mean everywhere.  He will only go to restaurants that have outdoor seating and will tolerate dogs. If the weather is bad, he will not go out. No exceptions. It goes without saying that the dog sleeps with us. And she comes with us on vacation. There are plenty of hotels that accept dogs, so that’s not a problem. But when you’re on the road with a dog, it really becomes the dog’s vacation. We can’t sleep in because we need to take her for a walk. We only go to dog beaches and dog parks. We never see movies or go to museums. He has worked it out so that his whole life revolves around this canine. His first concern is always how can we make this situation work for Brigit? I never get the impression that he is ever willing to accommodate me and my needs like that. In the bedroom, Brigit howls along with us when we reach orgasm. I half expect her to hop on top of us. Even afterwards, Brigit is right there and I get the distinct impression that he is more interested in sharing the afterglow with her. His voicemail message says, “Please leave a message for me and Brigit after the tone.” What the hell? I’m the one living a dog’s life. Please help!

Certainly Not Man’s Best Friend

Dear Certainly Not;

You don’t really need my help, because you already know what to do. Make a list of demands. Today. Right now. Tell him in so many words that things have to change, that you want to be his number one pet and him to be yours. Otherwise, it’s time for you to roll over and fetch a new boyfriend…way faster than he can say sit or stay.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;

I met a guy online. He is a really good, funny writer and instant messaging with him was incredibly fun. He lives kind of far away——I live in Pasadena and he’s in West L.A. He works as a comedy writer for a major sitcom and there were many times that I would start laughing so hard I could no longer type. Then we emailed photos and it turned out that he was incredibly cute and he apparently liked how I looked too, so we decided to get together at a coffee house. I walked in and recognized him immediately. I felt a rush of relief that he was who he said he was. You know, because on the internet you never know if the guy has just downloaded a dumb photo of some cute model and is really Jabba the Hutt or worse. But here’s the thing: As I approached his table, he stood up and was only about five feet tall. He says 5’2”, but I think it’s more like 4’11”. He’s probably not technically a “little person” but, since I’m 5’ 10”, there is definitely a Danny-DeVito-Meets-The-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Woman thing going on. I know it shouldn’t matter, but I think it does. I actually gasped out loud and I’m pretty sure he heard me. All we’ve done so far is have coffee and gone for a walk. The walk was the difficult part. I couldn’t help feeling like I was on a date with a third grader. Am I an awful person?

Thanks for listening,

The Tall and Short of it

Dear Tall And Short,

No, you’re not awful. Life isn’t fair. By all rights, this guy should have been born a mile or two taller. That was his bad luck, but it doesn’t have to be yours. It would be shallow for you to say that there is no man on Earth under five feet that you could ever consider as a mate, but it’s also absurd to assume that this particular little fellow is the one. So I can’t give you a definitive answer. There are all kinds of personal considerations here——from what it would be like to dance together to the logistics of doing you know what together. So, all I can honestly say is that if, when you fantasize about those and other situations, you don’t like him enough or aren’t intrigued enough to want see him again, you shouldn’t. If you do see him again and, after spending time together, you still feel like you’re babysitting, I don’t think you were meant to be. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of people not only make mismatches work, they really get off on it. I won’t go into graphic detail, but I’ve known women who tell wild tales of the sexual possibilities they are afforded because of being able to physically manhandle their men. I’m talking really sexy circus stuff. Only you know what you want. On the other hand, sometimes people don’t know what they want until they try it.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;

I’m single. I just met someone I like quite a lot. And he likes me. We are compatible on many levels. We both like to travel, to read, and we’re both musicians…we love playing together. I find him intellectually stimulating and sexually attractive. The one stumbling block is that he is a vegan and I am a diehard carnivore. I know this might seem like a trivial thing, but choosing a restaurant is almost impossible. Grocery shopping is a nightmare. He makes me brush my teeth immediately after eating because he says he can smell the meat on my breath. And even though he says he doesn’t care, I know he is judging me. When people ask him about his veganism, he launches into a speech that invariably ends with “most importantly, it is clearly immoral to eat the flesh of our fellow animals.” So, duh, he thinks I am immoral. Lately I’ve taken to eating on the sly, then quickly destroying incriminating evidence via garbage disposal and electric fan…basically acting like a criminal in my own kitchen. I really like the guy, so it breaks my heart, but I don’t know if I can go on like this.

Meat Breath in Memphis

Dear Meat Breath;

Oh, for goodness sake. Tell your boyfriend to insert two little words into his highfalutin sermon: “For” and “me.” As in, “For me, eating meat is immoral.” End of discussion. Other than that, didn’t your mommy tell you you’re supposed to brush your teeth after every meal anyway? My guess is that as time goes on, your eating habits might start moving toward compatibility, eventually merging at some compromise. You could start eating less meat (it’ll be better for you anyway) and you never know, he might just loosen up his morals. Deep inside he might be a total meat slut. Almost no one is immune to the lure of a steak sizzling on the grill. Filet Mignon is contagious. I can’t tell you how many vegetarians and vegans I’ve witnessed sneaking out for a Big Mac in the dead of night. On the other hand, if you both hold true to your current diets, so what? Just keep your toothbrush handy.

Cynthia 

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;

My fiancé hates my friends. I don’t know exactly what his problem is, but he is just so judgmental. He hates their politics, the movies they like, and the books they read. He just seems to be disgusted by almost everything about them. At first he was polite and at least made some effort to get along with them. But now that we’re engaged, the courtship behind us, he doesn’t even try. We went with a group of my friends to see a romantic comedy and it ended up with a shouting match in the restaurant afterwards. I ran to the ladies’ room in tears. He’s a true intellectual…he’s working on his PhD in Sociology and he just got a great job in a think tank in D.C. He gets paid a ton of money to sit in a room and think about important topics with some of the most brilliant humans on the planet. He’s a perfect guy in many ways, but just does not seem to be able to relate to the mere mortals who happen to be my dearest friends.

What the What in Bethesda

Dear What the What,

I’m not usually this frank right out of the gate, but extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. The love or your life is an asshole. A smart asshole, and an asshole for whom you have deep feelings, but still an asshole. Something is very, very wrong here. Either you have horrible friends——unlikely, since they are your friends and I assume you’ve known them for quite some time——or this guy of yours is just the type of possessive, isolating, arrogant son of a bitch who is hell bent on making your future married life a living hell. You have to ask yourself a question. If he hates your friends so much, what does he really think of you? I think he may have some deep psychological issues that are manifesting here, but in any case, if I were you, unless he gets his act together (which in his case might require a complete personality transplant), I wouldn’t walk down with the aisle with him. In fact, I’d put on my running shoes and sprint as fast as possible in the exact opposite direction.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;

I’ve recently started a pretty serious relationship with a younger man. He doesn’t always get my pop culture references. This can be disconcerting sometimes, but his youthful vigor and stamina and all-out lust for life more than make up for it. The only real problem is that he is obsessed with video games. He’s a junior partner at a law firm, for goodness sake, but when he slides into his favorite armchair, in front of his precious console, he slips into a sort of trance, transforming into some kind of preteen zombie killer, Green Beret, or vigilante maniac. I mean, how many first-person shooting games must one man master? He’s totally unreachable for two hours every night. I like that it gives me more reading time, but I’m starting to have fantasies about the black and white, digitized author photos on my Kindle.

Game Almost Over in Schenectady

Dear Game Almost;

Everybody needs down time, so attempting to ban his electronic passion is not advised and is probably impossible. However, two hours a night is a big slice of bupkis. How about this: give him one hour and then ask him politely to cut out the digital carnage. If excessive shoot-em-up-itis persists, go stealth under the radar and sidle over to his joystick. If he doesn’t respond, you may have to take your own yearnings to the next level by putting down the Kindle and taking up some extracurricular gaming of your own.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

My boyfriend has gone nuts with the whole food and sex thing. He started out with the typical stuff: whipped cream, strawberries, bananas, etc. And I liked it for a while, but now it seems like he sees it as a prerequisite, the one and only starting point for sex…like he’s just not interested in me if I’m not slathered in cream cheese or chocolate syrup. The worst was tomato soup. I mean, come on. And I’m always the one who has to clean up. Newsflash: the oil from almond butter does not come out of an oriental rug. But more importantly, I find myself yearning for the taste of unadulterated flesh. Call me crazy, but I find skin au naturel plenty stimulating. Last night he arrived in the bedroom with the biggest olive oil-drenched carrot I’ve ever seen. I was able to divert his attention, thereby avoiding this assault by root vegetable, but I know he hasn’t given up on the idea. On our last trip to Whole Foods, I caught him fondling the cucumbers. What could possibly make him think that I’d prefer a vegetable to him?

Hungry But Not for Food in San Francisco

Dear Hungry But,

I’m with you. I much prefer the taste and feel of pure, ungarnished man-flesh. For one thing, I always thought carrots were for girls who don’t have boyfriends. Phallic fruits and vegetables are overrated anyway. They can cause an imbalance of the flora of your vagina, causing an infection. I had a friend who ended up in the emergency room with a broken-off chunk of zucchini so far up her hoo-ha, she needed to be sedated while a crack team of medical spelunkers ventured in to retrieve it. But, you’re right, there might be cause to wonder. In my mind there are three reasons a man might want to use substitute a cucumber for his manhood. One, he might genuinely think you want it. I presume you haven’t given him any reason to think so, but maybe you need to gently set him straight. Two, he might be insecure about his staying power or his size, two more things you can help him with and reassure him about. And three, maybe the most uncomfortable to bring up with him, he might be packing these garden-variety bone-daddies in his sexual picnic basket because he wants you to use them on him. I realize this notion might come as a shock to you, but it’s obviously not unheard of. So, when it comes right down to it, what is needed here is just some frank talk, probably anywhere in house other than the bedroom. Tell him you want him, you crave him, you must have him…for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then maybe spread a tablecloth on the rug and make sure you and he are the only courses served.

That said, have you tried ice cream? I’m particularly partial to vanilla-chocolate-caramel combinations. No nuts. Well, not the kind that come in shells anyway. Okay, gotta go. I have a booty call at Baskin-Robbins.

Good luck,

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.

Dear Second Acts;
My best friend and roommate (call her Darla) and I were out at a huge party a few months ago. Really huge…it was at Paramount Studios and the party was on the back lot. We’re both actresses and we have this friend who’s an assistant producer on a cop movie being shot there. Anyway, we hung out together for a while and then mingled and lost sight of each other. We had to leave together…we came in my car. But anyway, on the drive back home, we recounted our experiences and it turned out we had both met someone. You’ve probably already guessed that it was the same someone: a handsome casting director. It was right out of a sitcom. We quickly agreed that we would leave it up to fate. He had both of our numbers, so we’d just wait and see what happened. Well, you won’t believe what happened. Just as she was getting out of the car, her phone buzzed and she got a text. While she was reading it I grabbed my phone out of my purse and I had also gotten text from him that had come in moments earlier. She said that since she saw hers first, she should be able to answer it first. But mine came in first, right? Anyway, we both shot daggers at each other while hitting “call back” at basically the same time, but also kind of giggling like schoolgirls. It was competitive, but silly too, you know? My call got through first and he picked up. Hers went to voice mail. I had dinner with him two days later and we hit it off. I’ve had nine acting jobs in two months. I quit my day job. I have three huge auditions coming up…as in good movie roles in good movies. He wants me to move in with him in Brentwood. I think we’re falling in love. He ended up meeting with her too, but nothing’s happened, not a single audition. I’ve tried hard to promote her with him, but she doesn’t believe that. Nobody’s giggling like schoolgirls anymore. Nobody’s even talking. She won’t even look at me. She’s still working at Trader Joe’s and on the verge of losing a roommate. I think I’m losing a best friend. Any Advice?

Guilty in Sherman Oaks

Dear Guilty;

I know you feel guilty, but you’re not. If her call had gone through first, there’s no guarantee anything different would have happened anyway. She probably just didn’t impress him as much when they met. But don’t give up on her just because she’s pushing you away. Insist. Spend some quality time with her and show her how much you care about her and value her friendship. I wouldn’t move out immediately either. But if you do move, at least give her a chance to find a roommate she really likes, not the first one who comes along with a fistful of rent money. Regarding the guy: this is Hollywood we’re talking about, so, I would definitely proceed with caution. There’s no doubt that he sees you as a moneymaker…that’s already happening. And I’m sure he sincerely likes you. What you can’t be sure about in Tinsel Town is how long that sincerity will last. So, be careful. People always say you can never trust anyone 100%, including yourself. Well, with this guy, I’d put that number at approximately 51%. If things go well and in a couple of years you’re still together, I’d inch it up to 52%. After you’re married with three kids…53%. By the way, remind your friend and yourself, that circumstances could reverse in a matter of weeks. You could be down and she could be up. You really never know. In your business it’s really important to hold onto your friends. Hooray for Hollywood.

Cynthia

By Cynthia Amas of Second Acts Dating Service
This “advice” column is the result of art overtaking life. When author Julia Dumont created her leading lady, Cynthia Amas, for her Second Acts novels, she had no idea how domineering her character would become. Cynthia, a man-challenged matchmaker, insisted on writing her own dating advice blog. Julia tried to explain that fictional characters don’t usually write advice blogs for real people, but Cynthia was undaunted. The result is not your average dating blog, but it’s just as funny, irreverent and delightfully crazy as Cynthia.  Should you take her advice? Read on and decide for yourself.