How Going To The Dentist Is Like Bad Sex

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By Cassie Ciopryna

Going to the dentist can be uncomfortable. Sex with someone new can be uncomfortable too. Sure, sex is great the majority of the time, but we’ve all had those experiences that were, well, less than thrilling. Here’s why a trip to the dentist can make you feel like you’re having some strange, tripped up sexual encounter.

You get squirted in the face more than you’d like to. Ideally, the number of times I’d like this to happen is zero. In reality, this happens a minimum of five times at the dentist. Sure, it might be my own spit or toothpaste or water hitting my cheek, but all that on my face makes me think the same thing as another clearish, white liquid coming at me—not in my eye or hair!

You have a designated spitting funnel. Ok, so this isn’t something that you have IRL during sex, but this could definitely come in handy…AMIRITE?!

Your hair gets pulled. So this only really happens if you have long hair that hangs off the chair as you’re lying back. The dental hygienist/dentist isn’t really looking out for your hanging hair as they slide back and forth to each side of your head. Hair gets pulled with their body leaning against you and wheeling in their wheely chair. It’s not the best hair pulling. But hey, getting your hair pulled is getting your hair pulled.

Your jaw hurts. This shouldn’t be happening in sex if you know what you’re doing (and the guy isn’t holding back). Get down and get it done is what I say! But at the dentist, your mouth is open with something in there for twenty plus minutes. Not fun.


There’s strange dirty talk. “Let’s take a look inside.” “You have beautiful teeth.” “Let me wipe your face off for you.” “Swish this around in your mouth a little.” “Spit.” “Open wide.” I can only hope these dentists don’t say these same things to their S.O. during hanky panky.

This only happens once every 6 months. Although the dentist is scheduled out 6 months ahead of time, it can still be a little unpredictable when it’s appointment time (who remembers appointments 6 months out?!) Like some single gals, this doesn’t come around too often.

You get up from the chair with messy hair. Just like that, it’s finally over, and you look like a hot mess unsure of what you just experienced.

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