Why It’s Totally Normal To Lose Yourself In Love

dog rests gently on his master's shoulder while looking view

“The only person you should ever fear losing in a relationship is you yourself.” – Miya Yamanouchi.

So, here I am… two years out of a relationship and still single as a dollar bill. And while I’d like to think that I am putting myself out there, I’m not. I haven’t had the slightest crack open for a relationship to find it’s way in. This is not because I’m horribly heart broken. It’s not because I would prefer to have a significant income rather than a significant other. And it’s certainly not because I have commitment issues, daddy issues or any other “issue” that can be chalked up to living the single life. Single is not an issue, my friends. Single life is EVERYTHING. It’s a powerful stage to make headway in your life. It’s a time to fully and finally (!!) invest in you.

I am single because I’m focusing on a whole lot of whatever the fuck I want, and none of what I don’t. I’m working towards the dreams that make me nauseous with excitement and taking time to evaluate what I want in life with as little outside influence as possible. And to be frank, I’m being selfish. I’m choosing myself, by myself, for myself.

Again, SINGLE LIFE IS EVERYTHING.

(Until you realize it’s not).

The truth is that what is underneath all the cheerleading for single-dom is fear. Yep, straight up FEAR. I’m fearful that I will lose myself in loving someone else (again). The pattern is all too familiar.

You know the ones. Before their relationship, they roar with excitement for the things that make them come alive. They are full of high hopes, big dreams and outrageous ambitions. They push fearlessly towards their goals. They make time for their friends, their family and their community because they want to build their life in good company. They do spiritual work, take on new hobbies, and frequent the edges of their comfort zone to discover and reveal in the unknown. They workout to the point of exhaustion, not to look good for anyone else, but to know that they were responsible for creating that incredible pump inside their chest all by their damn selves. They buzz with enlightenment and insight and all the good things this world has ever given someone.

…and then love hits.

Love comes in and life’s ambitions take the backseat. It’s not intentional, and it’s certainly not something that is easy to see but then suddenly the person they were before the relationship is a long-lost ideal of who they are in the relationship. The love blinders are on and they are coated in the blanket of this new lustful existence.

Sweet couple in love spring sunny dayAll their beautifully directed attention towards their dreams turns towards their lover… and they pause. Time stops. Their big lofty goals are no longer in sight. They move from vision boards and ladies retreats to Saturday nights in, week after week, after week. They are in love, and they have stepped away from showing up for themselves.

And here in lies the problem.They lose themselves in loving someone else. 

They are so busy creating a life for their person that they forget to create a life for themselves. Their ambitions take a backseat in the name of “love”. Suddenly life doesn’t feel so uncomfortable if you never achieve those dreams… because, well, love. Everything is better in love.

The comfort of your lover ties you over when you’re having a bad day. The flowers they brought home slap a band-aid over the deep restlessness you experience in life. And with this band-aid on you can no longer see the holes you were desperately seeking to fill.

But the reality is that those holes are still there. They may just not be as blatantly obvious as they were when you didn’t have someone to come home to. In single-dom you had to face those discomforts head on. You had to work to overcome them. You were responsible for making yourself feel better. You, alone, by yourself. But in love… naw. You can push the uneasiness under the rug for a bit longer.

It takes work to be who you really are when you’re mending two worlds together. It can be confusing, and messy, and wildly compromising. It can also be beautiful, and exciting and deeply intentional. But if you don’t keep pushing to fuel your passions and dig up your holes, you will keep looking for anything else (everything else) to take their place. Love included.

We’ve all heard it before. Good, healthy relationships are not about completing each other, but being two whole self actualized beings choosing to share your love with each other. You’re not looking to the other for anything. You already have everything you need inside of you. You are responsible for that self-love. They are responsible for theirs. It’s about supporting each other in their respective dreams and wanting them to be as big and bright as they possibly can be. That, my friends, is love in the most basic form.

Because love is always the answer. Love yourself (foremost), love those around you (fearlessly) and love and acknowledge the stage you are in. Keep your intentions on being the best version of yourself you can be. We all deserve a little (lotta) self-love to make this world a happier, healthier, more supportive place.

Written By Emilie Talermo

(From Never Liked It Anyway, the number one destination for all things break-ups and bounce-back! It’s the place to buy, sell and tell all things ex! Sell your breakup baggage, tell your story and join the community of rock stars bouncing back better than ever! )

 

1000 Men Paid To Watch Me Bathe

woman shower

 

Read my story before it happens to you—

“Are you sure this is the right apartment?” I asked the realtor after she’d told me the rent. “I mean, that sounds so low for such a great place.”

She watched me take in the high ceilings, the beveled glass windows, and the rich, polished, wood floors. “The owner wants a renter who’ll stay forever,” she joked, nodding at me. “He wants someone who works steadily and will take good care of the place.”

“Well, I’d sure do that.” I ran my hand over the marble mantel above the fireplace. “Does the owner live here?”

“Yes. He’s up in the attic room, which he’s converted into living quarters. Mr. Sweeney travels extensively and is hardly ever at home. That’s why he’s concerned about getting a good renter in. There are currently two other women living in the apartment on the first floor. They’ve been here for several years. If you have any questions, I can refer you to them.”

I smiled at the tall, thin woman. “No, that’s fine. If my application is accepted, then I guess I’ll take the place.”

My heart jumped at those words. Finally, I was going to be on my own—in a beautiful, second-floor apartment in a rambling, old, beautifully preserved Victorian house. I handed the realtor a check. “I think this takes care of the deposit and the first month’s rent.”

The realtor took it out of my hand, smiling broadly. “Yasmin, I know you’re going to like it here. Mr. Sweeney will be getting in touch with you.”

The realtor left, but I stayed behind. I wanted to take in the atmosphere of my first apartment. Growing up, I’d lived with my grandmother, who’d died right after I’d started college. With what little money she’d left me, I’d been able to live in the dorms. But I’d hated the closeness, the constant noise, the feeling of never having a space of my own. So when I’d graduated and gotten a job, I knew I wanted a special place to call my own, to call home.

Luckily, I’d found it through a friend-of-a-friend type of deal. I’d contacted the realtor, and the rest is history. I loved the apartment from the first time I laid eyes on it. How many times had I said a silent prayer that I’d be accepted as a tenant? Too many to remember.

I strolled through the living room, glancing out the windows that faced the street. Elm trees lined the sidewalks. From my bedroom, I could see the park . . . just barely. But it was heaven to me.

Writing on a ringed pad, I took notes on what I’d need. The kitchen was small, but very modern. The refrigerator had a glass door that reflected the gleam of the built-in range and oven. The whole place smelled of cedar and mint. Gazing up at the high ceiling, I was disappointed to see the modern, jet-black lighting fixtures instead of stained glass ones. Oh, well. You couldn’t have everything.

The back door led out onto a small porch with steps that spiraled down to the backyard. No wonder I’d smelled fresh mint; the whole yard was full of it. A bench and table were nestled in the middle of the yard, a perfect place for an evening meal.

Looking up, I saw the top of Mr. Sweeney’s balcony, which overhung my little porch. There were no steps leading up to the third floor, which was fine. I had my privacy, and he had his.

I jotted down several items I’d need, and then walked once more through the apartment. At the front door, I gave it one more glance. So perfect, so wonderful . . . so cheap. I’d really lucked out this time.

Moving day came two days later. I didn’t have much stuff, but I splurged on buying a new couch, bed, and dinette set. I had a few things that had belonged to Grandma holed up in a storage bin; I’d get them later, after I’d found space for them.

I was taking a break when the doorbell buzzed. Hopping over packing boxes, I hurried to the door. Standing there were two women my age, smiles on their faces.

“Welcome to the building!” the taller of the two said, handing me a steaming-hot pizza box. “I’m Dena from down below, and this is my sister, Missy.”

Missy smiled shyly, handing me a six-pack of beer. “We—uh—wanted to make sure you eat tonight.” Blushing through her pretty freckles, she bowed her head in embarrassment. “I mean—because you’re moving in, and all.”

I smiled, glad to have the company. “Please—come on in,” I said, taking the beer from her hand. “Excuse the mess; I’m still just settling in.” I balanced the pizza box on my arm. “And thanks for the food. Why don’t you gals join me?”

Dena pushed Missy into the apartment. They sat down on the couch together, making themselves at home. “We wondered who’d rented this apartment.” Dena eyed the room suspiciously, looking up at the ceiling, checking out the walls. “The last tenant wasn’t happy here.”

“Oh. No?” I handed each of them a beer while I got plates for the pizza. “How come?”

“Tiffany felt—”

Dena furrowed her brow at Missy. “Uh, Tiffany was a little . . . strange. She had panic attacks. She was sure someone was constantly spying on her.” She popped her beer open and took a sip. “Anyway, it’s nice to have another woman here again.”

I handed them each a paper plate, opened the pizza box and set it down on the coffee table in front of them and waited for them to help themselves. “No men tried to rent here?” I asked.

Missy shook her head. “Mr. Sweeney is very specific. Women only. He believes that men create problems for an apartment owner.”

Dena pulled a slice of pizza free from the steaming pie and plopped it onto her paper plate. “Yeah, he’s a funny guy. Keeps to himself and doesn’t bother his renters.”

I sipped my beer. “I suppose that’s better than having your landlord breathing down your neck every second.”

Missy laughed. “That’s right. And that’s why we were so surprised when Tiffany moved out.”

Dena locked eyes with Missy in warning. “Miss gets so dramatic,” she said, smiling wanly at me. “Tiffany was her worst enemy. She was under psychiatric care and paranoia ruled her life. She was always afraid of something.”

Missy fidgeted. “Dena, you should tell her why Tiff was so upset.”

Dena bristled. “We don’t want to rehash old rumors,” she said, glaring at her sister. “The woman was mentally ill.”

“No, she wasn’t,” Missy countered. “She thought someone was spying on her in the apartment.” Missy crossed her arms over her chest, her brows knitting together.

Dena shook her head. “Missy always sticks up for anyone who has fantasies. “Tiffany just imagined things. Nothing more.”

“What kinds of things?”

“Oh, that she was being watched. She put up heavy drapes to cover the windows. Even in the shower, she felt like eyes were watching her. How crazy is that?”

I agreed with Dena: It was a little nuts. “How long did she live here?”

“About six months,” Missy said. “Then another girl moved in, but only for a week. Said the place gave her the creeps. She ended up moving out, too.”

“She only moved out because you filled her head with crazy ideas about the place being haunted,” Dena snapped derisively.

Is it haunted?” I asked.

Dena rolled her eyes; Missy’s grew wide. “Yes; I believe it is. I asked Hunter to bring in a psychic and have the building cleansed, but he ignored me.”

“Gee. I wonder why?’ Dena quipped, rolling her eyes again. “Maybe it’s because he thinks you’re batty?”

“Well,” I replied, hoping to mellow the topic, “I plan on staying here as long as I can.”

They both smiled. “We certainly hope so.”

“Let’s eat,” I said, desperately wanting to change the morbid topic of conversation.

Later that evening, I curled up on the couch, tossing about the information I’d culled from the two women who lived below me. No men allowed in the apartment building? It seemed rather odd to me, but times were crazy, and I figured that whatever Hunter Sweeney decided undoubtedly had to do with his concern for the safety of his renters.

Being spied on? That really seemed farfetched. Granted, I’d been in plenty of buildings with security cameras, and I’d always been aware of them. But this rambling, old Victorian had nothing like those security devices. It was just an old building—certainly very well maintained, but definitely not a high-tech security setup. And, if Tiffany had been having mental problems, then feeling watched certainly wouldn’t have been unusual for her. As for the woman who’d only rented for a week—well, people change their minds all the time. So, as much as I instantly liked Dena and Missy, I made up my mind right then and there not to take too seriously anything they said about the building.

Especially about my apartment being haunted.

Then one morning, when I was checking my mail slot, a handsome man walked into the foyer, nodding politely at me.

“Oh, you must be Miss Buckley,” he said, peeping over my shoulder at the number on my mailbox. “I’m Hunter Sweeney.”

“Oh, Mr. Sweeney,” I said, dropping my mail. Crouching to hastily collect it from the floor, I quickly rose and smiled at him. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

He was tall, with dark hair that curled over his shoulders. His deep-green eyes peered down at me. An expensively cut suit did little to hide his athletic build. “I trust you’re happy with your new living arrangements?” His eyes traveled up and down my body as he spoke, studying me.

Much as I hated it, I blushed like a silly little schoolgirl. “Oh, of course! The apartment is wonderful!”

A long-fingered hand went to his lapel. “I’m glad you’ll be a part of our little family.”

“I’ve met Missy and Dena, and they seem very nice. I’m sure I’m going to love it here.”

His brow furrowed. “You did hear about poor Tiffany and her . . . problem?”

“Yes. But that doesn’t bother me. Everyone is different.”

He grinned at me, his perfect teeth as white as snow. “Perhaps we can get together soon?”

I felt myself blushing again. “I’d like that.”

With a nod of his head, he climbed the stairs. Hunter Sweeney certainly was charming. But there was something about him that just didn’t set right with me, right from the start.

   Uh-oh, I thought. Don’t start getting paranoid like Tiffany. I realized I would have to keep my imagination under control.

The first incident occurred about three weeks after I’d moved in. I was in my huge shower, letting the spray massage me, when I got the funniest feeling that someone was in the bathroom with me. Pushing the glass shower door open, I peeked out. There was no one there—just the rain beating against the bathroom window.

woman aloneThat’s odd, I thought. I feel like someone’s watching me. The hair at the back of my neck bristled as I quickly rinsed the soap off of me. Stepping out of the shower, I quickly wrapped myself in a towel. Going to the window, I wiped the steam away, and then looked out. The window faced the alley, but there was no access to it. If anyone were, in fact, snooping on me, I realized they’d have to be two stories tall. Shaking my head, I gazed around me at the small room. Nothing there.

Deciding I was just nervous, I went into the bedroom, slipping on my robe. Shuffling out to the kitchen in my slippers, I poured myself a glass of wine, remembering my nana.

She’d come from the old country, and her life was always filled with superstitions and silly beliefs. She always made sure the local priest blessed her house every year—to keep evil spirits away. Garlic hung near her kitchen window to keep vampires from gaining access to her home; out of old twigs, she fashioned little, makeshift witches to hang in her kitchen to ward off the evil eye. To make sure that the Old Hag didn’t attack her at night, she hung witches’ balls in her bedroom window.

Granted, she was a little eccentric, but many of her beliefs came to my mind suddenly. Maybe the place really was haunted. After all, I’d felt as if someone were watching me. Was it only a case of nerves, or was some lonely, departed spirit inhabiting my apartment?

I took a deep swig of wine and then laughed. How silly! I was letting my imagination run wild like a scared deer. Sighing, I went to bed. Enough of ghosts for one night.

The first time I noticed something definitely strange was when I returned from a two-day business trip. I’d locked up the apartment, asked Missy to pick up my mail, and generally felt safe about leaving for those days.

Until I got home.

When I walked into the apartment, I instantly felt like something was off-kilter. You know how it feels when you know something is wrong, but you just can’t pinpoint it? Something really harmless, but still different, nonetheless?

I dropped my suitcase onto the couch and turned to check the messages on my answering machine. That’s when I noticed that the small, framed photograph of my grandmother wasn’t in its usual place on the bookshelf. It was now on the table, next to the answering machine. I raked my mind, trying to remember if I’d left it there before leaving. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember.

A slippery shiver inched up my spine, nonetheless. My breath came in short gasps, fear penetrating my body. Slowly, I turned. The rest of the room was perfect, and yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me, keeping an eye on what I was doing.

What nonsense! I was making ghosts out of a moved photograph! Laughing, I grabbed my keys and trotted down the stairs to get my mail.

“So, how was San Francisco?” Missy asked, pulling me into her apartment. “I missed you!”

I glanced around the apartment, realizing it was identical to mine. Except for the light fixtures. Mine were modernistic, and black, while hers were old, antique, ceramic. I guessed the money had run out when Hunter got to remodeling this apartment.

“San Francisco was wonderful,” I said, taking my mail from her outstretched hand. “I missed you guys, though.”

She grinned. “Dena is up north for a conference. I’ve had the building all to myself. And it’s been really creepy.”

I liked Missy, but she could be a little too ditzy for me at times. She was into reading Tarot cards, divining, and anything that the New Age had produced. “Well, it’s hard to get used to old buildings; they creak and groan,” I said, trying to make light of what she’d said.

She came close, the smell of lavender floating around her like a cloud. “It isn’t the building,” she whispered. “It’s something here that watches us, I swear. I even heard it walking around in your apartment.”

I inched toward the door as she crept closer to me. “Well, uh—thanks for getting my mail,” I said, pulling open the door. “I’ll talk to you later.”

I was out the door and up the stairs in a flash. Missy called to me from down below, but I just closed my door hard so she’d give up. Putting my ear to the door, I heard her door close downstairs, too. Breathing a sigh of relief, I headed for a glass of wine.

A few days later, I found a note stuck on my door. I pulled it free, opening the ivory stationery gently. The note was from Hunter, asking me to join him for dinner that night.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted to get chummy with Hunter. Oh, he was certainly very handsome, and he possessed charm that would turn any woman’s head. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that all wasn’t right with that man. He didn’t have long, blood-coated fangs, or wear a sweeping black cape, but still—I felt uncomfortable around him.

However, one didn’t offend her landlord—especially when the rent was so affordable. So I called Hunter’s answering service and told the operator that I’d be glad to join him for dinner.

To say the evening was great is putting it mildly. Hunter picked me up at my apartment and ushered me through a locked door at the end of the second-floor hallway. I’d noticed the door before, but figured it was a utility closet of some kind. Soon enough, though, I learned that it led to his private entrance to the third floor.

We climbed a short flight of stairs that gave onto a landing, which opened into a huge loft space. The attic was definitely very modern, but still comfortable. With the exception of a small, closed-off room near the back, the whole floor was like something out of an architectural magazine.

“This is very nice,” I said, eyeing an expensive print on the wall.

“Thank you.” Hunter handed me a flute of champagne. “I like the openness.”

I walked around—nosing around, really. There were bookcases lined with computer and cinema texts. Marble columns held bronze and terracotta statues.

“You’re into art?”

He nodded. “A little. With my kind of work, I don’t get to appreciate the finer things in life.”

Turning to him, I asked, “What kind of work do you do?”

He motioned toward a sleek, red, leather couch. I sat down, sipping my champagne. “Mostly computers and cinematic applications. Nothing exciting.”

“It must keep you busy, though. You sure seem to be gone a lot.”

Nodding, he shrugged. “These days, I work out of my laptop. I call it my traveling office.”

I watched him tuck a strand of raven-black hair behind his ear. “Well, at least you have this wonderful place as a retreat.”

He went to the small kitchen and retrieved a platter of fruit and cheese. “Yes, I love it here.”

Picking up a slice of mango, I smiled. “I love it here, too. Except. . . .”

“What?”

“Well, I think Missy and Dena have filled my head with ghosts, and, sometimes, I feel like I’m actually being watched . . . in my apartment.” Wanly, I tried to smile.

“Really? Funny, Tiffany said the same thing—though the poor woman was mentally ill.”

Okay, I thought to myself, open mouth and insert foot. Now I’d made myself look like I was some kind of mental case, too. “Oh, it’s just my imagination, I’m sure.” I chewed the mango slice, hoping I hadn’t looked like too much of a fool.

Hunter nibbled on a slice of cheese. “I was going to put security cameras on every floor, but I decided they’d intrude upon my tenants’ privacy. That’s why I have the double-locks on the front door.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I guess I’ve just been reacting to what Missy told me. She sure comes up with some strange ideas.”

Hunter laughed. “Yes, she’s quite a character. But she and Dena have been terrific tenants. Missy’s a tad eccentric, though.”

Nodding, I gazed around the apartment. “What’s that room back there?”

“Oh, excuse me. That’s my office. Just some computers. A desk. Ready to eat?”

Life settled into a pattern. Most evenings, I brought reports home from the office to go over and recheck. Some evenings, I came home so dog-tired that I collapsed on the couch, totally exhausted.

On those nights when I worked late, though, I still had the creepy feeling that I was being watched. Hunter graciously bought shades for my windows, which I pulled down faithfully every night. Still, that eerie feeling crept with me from room to room. Washing dishes, I felt like someone was peering over my shoulder. In the shower, those eyes wouldn’t break away. Even tucked in bed, I felt as if someone were sharing the room with me. Quilt pulled up to my chin, I would listen quietly, almost hoping to hear something out of the ordinary. But then there would be just the groan of the building settling in the cool night. Gazing around, I would search for a wispy form to appear and float toward me across the bed.

Nothing ever happened.

But how was I to explain those objects that seemed to move by themselves? Like the little porcelain doll I kept on a bookcase. I’d found it one night, sitting on a window ledge. And what about the red-sequined dress I’d spent a fortune on? Hadn’t it been wrapped in a plastic bag? Now, it hung, uncovered, in my closet—not where I thought I’d put it, but on the other end.

How strange.

One day at lunch, I was sitting with my friend, Candace, when I mentioned the puzzling happenings in my apartment. “You don’t suppose the place is haunted, do you?”

She frowned. “Nah. It’s most likely someone snooping around in your apartment. What about that batty neighbor who lives downstairs from you?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Missy isn’t batty. She’s just a little . . . different. Anyway, I don’t see her coming into my apartment. She’s not the kind.”

“Then what about the other one?”

“Same with Dena. And she’s gone a lot, and I doubt she’d sneak around, anyway.”

Candace twirled a strand of her short, blond hair around her finger. “Then it’s definitely someone else. Ever consider setting up a video camera to see who it is?” Candace was a technical buff. Any new electronic device kept her happy. I knew immediately what she wanted to do.

“No, I can’t do that. Anyway, it’s probably just my imagination.”

She bit her bottom lip. “Listen Yasmin—it’s not your imagination. Sure, you get dumb ideas sometimes, but you’re by no means ready for the funny farm. So if you feel creepy in your own apartment, then it’s time you found out why.”

“But—video equipment?” I shook my head. “That’s spy stuff.”

“Glad you realized it.” She pulled a pad out of her purse and grabbed a pen. “I’ll make a list of what we’ll need and bring it over tomorrow night. We’ll set it up and catch that pesky little ghost.”

I was already having doubts. “No, I’m fine. Really.”

She tossed the pad and pen into her purse. “No, you’re not. I’ll be by tomorrow night.”

Candace rigged the cameras in closets in every room, positioning the lenses through the slats on the doors. The kitchen was a little tricky, so she put the camera in the breadbox, with the cover just barely open.

“We won’t get the full figure of your ghost,” she explained, “but at least some part of it.”

I felt sillier by the minute. “Candace, maybe this is going too far. . . .”

Positioning a small microphone under the blender, she then turned to me. “Quit it. It’s all set up. All we do now is wait.”

And that’s exactly what I did.

For two days, the tapes revealed nothing. Candace rewound them and checked the equipment.

“We’ll give it one more day, then call it quits. It just might be your imagination, after all.”

“Okay, then that’s it. I hate this super-spy game, anyway.”

Running a hand through her hair, she sighed. “Yep, I agree. But it’s worth one more try.”

“Say we do get someone or something taped. Then what?”

She shrugged her bony shoulders, adjusted her tank-top straps, and grinned. “It’s your baby, then.”

Just what I needed.

The following night, when I got home from work, there was an ivory note tucked under the door. Smiling, I knew it was from Hunter. Another invitation to dinner? I opened it quickly. He wanted me to join him for a nightcap. Okay, fine with me.

Tucking the note into my pocket, I went inside my apartment. And immediately gasped. Several books were laid out on the coffee table—books that had been tucked away in the bookcase. A vase with a bouquet of tulips arranged in it was sitting on the kitchen counter. Without hesitation, I called Candace.

“Someone’s been in my apartment!” I cried.

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

The note in my pocket crinkled and I remembered Hunter’s invitation. Quickly, I dialed his exchange, leaving a message that I might be a little late, due to work. I figured I’d explain later what was really going on.

Candace must’ve run every red light in town to get to my apartment so fast. I threw open the door and she rushed in.

“Got ‘em!” she said, opening the closet doors and ejecting the videotapes from the recorders. “Whooee!” she cried, dancing around the room. “Let’s get the kitchen one, too!”

She pulled the small camera out of the breadbox, and then reached for the microphone. “Damn it—I think I put it too far under the blender. We might not get good sound, if any.”

“Hurry—let’s look at the tapes!”

Candace slipped a tape into my VCR and pushed play. After a few whirls, the VCR sprang to life. We stared closely at the TV screen, waiting to see a ghost. Instead, all we saw were the shoes of someone who was roaming my apartment.

“Damn it!” Candace swore again. “I thought I’d leveled the cameras enough to angle through the slats on the closet doors. Shoot! All we got are feet!” She frowned and plopped down onto the couch.

“But we got the shoes,” I replied. “And that means it’s a real person coming in, not a ghost.”

She brightened. “Yeah, you’re right! Hey—do those shoes look familiar to you?”

“Well, it definitely looks like they’re men’s shoes—polished, neat, and expensive. But I don’t know anyone who wears shoes like those.”

“Too bad. It’s definitely a clue, though.” Standing up, she pulled on her jacket. “Well, girl, I gotta run. Sorry this was such a bust. We can try again.”

I shook my head. “I’ve had enough spying to last a lifetime. Thanks for your help, though.”

Saluting me, she slipped out the door.

So someone was coming into my apartment. But who—and why? And why did I feel like I was being watched whenever I was home alone?

Remembering my “date” with Hunter, I dashed into the bedroom to get dressed—and, as usual—felt the eyes peering at me.

“I’m glad you could come,” Hunter said, inviting me inside. “Would you like some wine?”

“Yes, I’d love some.” I settled onto the couch. The leather squeaked under my weight. “How’s business?”

I heard the pop of a cork. Then Hunter said, “I’ve been gone a week. Business seems to get better every day.”

“That’s great.”

He came and handed me a glass of white wine. “To us,” he toasted.

I raised my glass, glad to be able to escape my apartment for a while. Sipping the wine, I debated whether or not to tell him about the intruder. Waiting till I was certain who it was made better sense, but I still hated the idea of having my privacy invaded in such a terrible way.

Hunter sat down beside me, putting his feet up on the glass-topped coffee table. “Ah, it’s great to relax.”

Just as I went to take another sip, my eyes fell on Hunter’s shoes. There was no mistaking the highly polished leather, the intricate stitching of the imported shoes. They were the same shoes we’d seen in Candace’s videos.

My breath caught in my throat. Was it possible? Was Hunter going into my apartment? Moving things? Snooping around?

It couldn’t be. Surely, he wasn’t the type to do such a thing.

Or was he?

Hunter put his arm around me. I couldn’t contain the shiver that raced up my spine. “Are you cold, Yasmin?” he asked.

“Oh . . . I’m fine. I—I just might be getting a bug or something.” I moved slightly to the right, only to have him move with me.

Grabbing my hand, he helped me to my feet. “Let’s get more wine,” he said, his face close to mine.

I stared in disbelief at the handsome face before me. No, it wasn’t true. Hunter wasn’t snooping around. . . .

Then his lips covered mine, and just as quickly, I pulled away. “Oh—please!” I cried.

His dark eyes shimmered. “What’s wrong? Did I frighten you?”

I croaked out a faint laugh. “I—I think I’m coming down with something and I—I don’t want to give it to you.” I gazed up at him. “Please, Hunter—I’m not feeling well. You don’t mind if I skip tonight, do you?”

He took my arm, his fingers tight around my sleeve. “Yasmin, maybe I should take you to a doctor? You look pale.”

Pale wasn’t the word for how I looked. I knew I looked as if I’d seen the devil in the flesh. Trembling, I shook my head. “No—I’ll be fine. I—I just want to lie down for a while.”

“Let me walk you down,” he said, reaching for his coat.

“No!” I cried. “I mean—I’m okay. Really. Please—just stay here. I’m sorry about this.”

Before he could say another word, I was out the door and down the steps. Seconds later, stepping into my apartment, I locked the door behind me and then leaned against it, breathing deeply.

What was I going to do?

The following morning at work, I caught up with Candace.

“I know who the intruder is,” I told her quietly.

Her eyes widened in surprise. “C’mon. You’re kidding. Right?”

“No. I’m serious—I know who he is. He’s my landlord.”

Candace’s mouth dropped open. “You mean—that guy who’s never around? The computer guy?”

“The one who also does cinematic work,” I added.

“Holy moly. That’s creepy. What’re you gonna do?”

I leaned against the wall, shrugging. “I don’t know. I can’t prove anything with just a few shots of his shoes. I’ll need something more solid to go to the police with.”

She wiggled her leg nervously. “How do you explain the feeling you have of being watched when he’s not even around? The cops aren’t going to bust him on your word alone. You need something concrete.”

“Okay. You’re the technical genius; tell me how you’d give me a creepy feeling without being around?”

Tapping her foot, she thought for a moment. “Actually, it’s quite simple. What I’d do was put hidden cameras in all the rooms of your apartment. These days, cameras are so small, you can place them almost anywhere.”

“But I’ve checked the place up and down. There’s nothing suspicious.”

“Of course there isn’t, Sherlock,” she said, rolling her eyes. “If he’s got the place wired, he doesn’t want you finding the cameras. So what’s unusual about your place?”

“Nothing, really.”

“C’mon. There’s got to be something different.”

“Well, it’s an old building, and only the attic and the second floor got extensive remodeling. Missy and Dena have the old-fashioned light fixtures, while mine are more modern and—”

The words died on my lips.

“Oh, my God—he’s got the cameras in the light fixtures. That’s why I never saw them.” I smacked my forehead. “I should’ve known.”

Candace patted my shoulder. “No big deal. Who would’ve thought? Okay, so they’re in the light fixtures. You still need more than that for the cops to do anything.”

“Well, if he’s taping me . . . then he has copies of the tapes somewhere. We’ve got to get those.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been in his apartment, and you haven’t seen anything. So where’re the tapes?”

man in suitMentally, I retraced the layout of Hunter’s apartment. Suddenly, I remembered the locked office. “Candace, he has a small office that he keeps locked—all the time. With two padlocks on the door. That’s got to be the place.”

“Bingo! You’ve got it! Now, though, we’ve got to get in.”

“And do what?”

“Steal the tapes, stupid. Then you can go to the police with them.”

“But—I never know when he’s gone.”

“What about his mail? Packages? Who collects them when he leaves?”

“Missy does. She got mine while I was away, too. She’ll know when he leaves again.”

Candace was hopping around. “That’s great! So find out when he leaves, and then we’ll sneak inside!”

“But that’s breaking-and-entering, isn’t it?”

She smiled wickedly. “Only if we’re caught.”

I stopped in to talk to Missy and Dena when I got home. I hated to use them in my plot, but I had no choice.

“Hi, Dena,” I said when she opened the door. “Is Missy around?”

Dena shook her head. “No. She had to visit our mother; she’s sick.”

My heart sank. “Oh, darn. I wanted to ask her something.”

“What?”

“Well, I—uh—I thought I’d give a small dinner party for the apartment tenants. But I don’t know when Hunter’s going out of town again.”

Dena’s beady eyes studied me closely. “So why don’t you ask him?”

Fair enough question. Now I had to think up a convincing lie. “Uh, I can’t, because I want to make it a surprise for him. With him being such a great landlord and all, I think I owe it to him.”

“You inviting us, too?” she pressed.

“Of course,” I said, managing a not-too-phony laugh. “I wouldn’t have a party without you two!”

Dena smiled through tight lips. “Well, I’m not one to give out information, but under the circumstances. . . .” Leaning forward, she whispered, “You’ve missed him this week. He had some emergency business to take care of. He was in quite a hurry. Said he’d be back next week.”

“That’s great!” I cried, stifling my excitement. “But—are you sure? I mean, I wouldn’t want to mess up the dates.”

She frowned at me. “Yasmin, I’m very specific in everything I do. Hunter asked me to get his mail this week, and that’s what I’ll do.” She sniffed loudly. “I would never ‘mess up the dates,’ as you put it.”

I’d certainly been put in my place. I offered her a weak smile. “Thanks, Dena. I’ll see that you get an invitation. We’ll make it for when Missy comes back.”

Dena pulled her thick lips into a tight line. “At least I hope she won’t mention any ghosts,” she huffed.

I didn’t reply. Turning on my heels, I was up the stairs to my place in no time.

My fingers trembled as I punched in Candace’s number on my phone. “Candace? He’s gone! We’ll have to do it soon!”

“Then it’s tonight. I’ll see you in an hour. Dress in dark clothing.”

“What?” I asked before she hung up. Dark clothes? What next?

With Candace, you never knew.

Candace set her small toolbox down near the entrance to Hunter’s place. Pulling out a small set of lock picks, she wiggled each of them around inside of the lock. Pressing her ear to the side of the lock, she smiled when we both heard the audible click of the tumblers falling into place.

“Okay; let’s do this.”

At that moment, I had second thoughts. After all, this was my landlord’s apartment that we were breaking-and-entering.

“Wait.” I grabbed Candace’s arm. “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

She sighed. “Yasmin, you’ve got to get evidence if you’re going to the cops. Quit being such a sissy.” Grabbing my arm, she pulled me inside to the stairs, and then softly closed the door behind us. “We’ve got to do this fast.”

There was no turning back then. My heart pounded in my chest. My breath came in short gasps. I couldn’t believe we were actually doing it—breaking into Hunter’s home.

We climbed the steps quickly. Entering the loft, I reached for the light switch. Candace slapped my hand away.

“No lights. And keep your voice down to a whisper. He’s probably got this place bugged, too.”

She looked around, and then turned toward the office. Tiptoeing, we made our way across the polished wood floor. A couple of Oriental rugs softened our footfalls. Within seconds, Candace was at the office doors, inspecting the locks.

“Simple. No problem here.” Out came the picks again, and another tool I didn’t recognize. A twist here, a turn there—and the first lock clicked open. The same procedure, and then the second one was open, too.

“Where’d you learn how to do all this?” I whispered, shamefully impressed.

“My dad’s a locksmith.”

“So now what?”

She put the locks on the floor, and then gently opened the doors. “Inside we go.”

I followed her into the office. It was well lit, and looked more like a television studio than an office. Shelves held small TV sets that displayed various areas of the apartment filmed by different, closed-circuit cameras. Other sets showed something completely different—

The inside of my apartment.

My knees wobbled. Candace pulled out a chair, pushing me into it. “Stay here and stay calm. I’ll find the tapes.”

I watched in silence as she pulled tapes from a rack near the TV monitors. It was eerie, sitting in the chair, catching scenes of my apartment on the closed-circuit monitors displayed before me. Candace had been right about the light fixtures. Hunter had gone to a lot of trouble to set up his surveillance system.

Candace stuffed several tapes into her duffel bag and then came over to me. “C’mon. We’ve gotta get out of here.”

As quietly as possible, we hurried out of the office. Candace closed the doors behind us, snapping the locks back into place. Just as she turned to me, the front door lock squeaked.

Hunter was home!

“Damn. We’ve got to get out of here,” Candace muttered, grabbing my arm. “Is there a door to the outside?”

“Yes, but it goes out to a balcony over my back porch. There aren’t any stairs. I don’t even know how you’d get out in case of a fire.”

“We’ll soon find out.”

Crawling almost on our knees, we moved toward the kitchen. Then Candace stopped suddenly; Hunter was inside the loft, his footsteps heading toward his office.

“Let’s get outta here!” Candace growled.

I followed her to the back door. Her steady fingers turned the knob. Holding my breath, I waited for the door to squeak loudly as she opened it. It didn’t.

Seconds later, we were out on the balcony. “There’s the fire ladder!” Candace said.

“Let’s get it down.”

Candace shook her head. “We can’t. He’ll know we’ve been here. We’re going to have to drop down to your porch.”

“What?” What did she think I was—a circus acrobat?

She pushed me over to the ledge. “Just put your feet down on the railing of your porch and drop onto the floor.”

I gazed down at the porch railing that seemed miles away. “I can’t do it. I’m afraid!”

She shook me hard. “You’ve got to! Who knows what this guy is capable of?”

All I remember is hopping over the ledge, feeling my feet hit the railing, and then slipping down onto the porch. Seconds later, Candace did the same, her little bag hooked to her belt.

We had made it.

“Let’s take these tapes over to my place to watch,” Candace said, going down the back steps. Just as we reached the bottom, footsteps echoed on the balcony.

“He’s coming!” I cried.

Candace and I pressed up close against the building. “Be quiet!” she whispered anxiously.

Hunter’s shadow could be seen. “Hello? Anyone down there?”

I jumped at his voice, but kept my back glued against the wall. We waited in silence until he retreated back into his apartment.

At the sound of his back door closing, Candace and I raced to the garage, then out a side door to her car. Nonchalantly, we walked half a block to where she’d parked. It wasn’t until we were safely inside her car that I breathed a sigh of relief.

“We did it!” Candace said proudly, holding out the tapes. “The cops are gonna love these!”

I leaned back, trying to still my racing heart. Beads of sweat rolled down from my armpits. This was just about the worst thing I’d ever gone through. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s see what we’ve got.”

Candace and I sat in the police station’s video room watching the tapes. There I was, sudsing up in the shower, running the soap all over my naked body. I knew that the detectives weren’t ogling, but I couldn’t help but feel horribly embarrassed, ashamed, devastated, and violated as the camera zoomed in on my hardened nipples.

I gasped when another shot showed me naked, slowly getting dressed for work. As I hummed to myself, Hunter’s camera zeroed in on my private parts.

I was sick.

I felt like I’d been raped.

After the police saw the tapes, a warrant was issued for Hunter’s arrest. Unfortunately, he’d left town without anyone knowing it—just vanished into the night like a ghost.

But the tapes would be great evidence if he were ever caught. There were tapes of Tiffany showering and doing chores around her apartment; two tapes were filled just with raw footage of me in the shower, in bed, and watching television. Other tapes that Candace had snatched were even more pornographic in nature.

A thorough inspection of my apartment revealed the concealed cameras in the light fixtures. Hunter had the cameras linked to his own, closed-circuit monitors in his apartment, and also wired directly into an online, pay-per-view, live-sex-cam link that serviced any pervert with a camera and a major credit card.

“No wonder Tiffany moved,” I told Missy and Dena later on. “She was right all along. She was being spied on—videotaped doing the most personal, private things that a woman can possibly do! Just like I was!”

Missy shook her head sadly. “This explains all the noises we kept hearing upstairs. Hunter was roaming around your apartment when he was supposed to be at work. Do you think he’ll come back?”

“The police know he’s left the country. So all they can do is wait for him to try and return.”

“How awful. To think that someone would actually do something like this!” Tears filled Missy’s eyes. “My God—no woman is safe!”

I held her close. “You’re right. That’s why we’ve got to always pay attention to those subtle feelings we all get at times. Because it’s not always just our imaginations at work.”

I’m still in the apartment. Hunter’s brother took over the management of the building in his stead, and he’s graciously kept the rents reasonable. The office upstairs has been turned into a library. The only surveillance cameras on the premises now are those that track visitors and tenants at each end of the hallways. Just for security reasons, not for spying.

I’m glad Candace and I helped stop Hunter from continuing his depraved perversity. The only regret I have today is that he still hasn’t been found.

Which worries me.

Because somewhere, in another country, Hunter is probably doing the same thing to other innocent, unsuspecting women that he did to me. Taping the most intimate, private moments of a woman’s life. Invading her privacy—

And she doesn’t even know it.

I can only hope that she gets a feeling of something being strange . . . something that’s not quite right, not quite what it seems to be. And that she takes that feeling seriously.

Because, only then, can Hunter be found and put on trial.

10 Facts You Might Not Know About St. Patrick’s Day

Male hand holding clover green necklace

The tradition of St. Patrick’s Day began hundreds of years back. A boy in Roman England was captured and taken to Ireland as a captive where he found God. It is said that St. Patrick could hear from the angels, and that he had raised people from the dead. He was a very active missionary throughout Ireland for 30 years, and that is why he is called the patron saint of Ireland. There have been many legends attached to this saint, and they have lasted throughout the centuries. This holiday began as a Holy Day in the Catholic Church, but over the years this religious Catholic saint’s day has turned into a more secular celebration of the upcoming new spring.

Here are a few facts for St. Patrick’s Day:

  • March 17th, the day of celebration, is the day of Patrick’s death.
  • St. Patrick, the patron saint of the Irish, was not from Ireland.
  • Patrick was an old time missionary in Ireland during the 4th century.
  • He brought many people to conversion and into the Christian religion.
  • The Shamrock, symbol of St. Patrick’s Day, was a plant with three leaves that Patrick used to demonstrate to the pagans the trinity of God – Father, Son and Holy Ghost. It is a common figure and accessory for St. Patrick’s Day costumes.
  • Maewyn is the name St. Patrick was born with. His name was changed by the Bishop in a monastery in France, after he escaped his captivity. He was not religious at all when he was a child.
  • The first St. Paddy’s day parade in America was in 1737, 40 years before the Revolutionary War.
  • The first day of spring is March 21st and this could be the reason St. Patrick’s Day celebrations have caught on so big.
  • Everyone turns Irish for a day – just wear green, the sign of life.
  • Irish dishes include Corned beef and cabbage, Irish stew, Irish cream pie, Irish soda bread, scones, Irish cheese bread, and all of this would be a good choice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Celebration

There are many traditions and legends that have been passed down through the generations, so even the barest of facts have gotten confused. It is not even certain exactly when Patrick was born, the actual date varies about 30 years in early 300 A.D. but the day of his death is certain, March 17, and that is the important day.

Whether you are celebrating the life of a glorified Catholic saint or the oncoming spring and all the new growth and new life possibilities that a new life can encompass, it really doesn’t matter. Wear something Green, grab a green hat, give someone a shamrock and join in the parade. Good luck and Blessings are meant for all!

 

My St. Patrick’s Day Romance

Retro couple

My St. Patrick’s Day started like ever other day. I awoke in my small, dreary apartment to the sound of my leaky bathroom faucet dripping slowly. I sighed and then I crawled out of bed and put on my green-colored clothes because it was St. Patrick’s Day. I pinned a small, round button on my sweater which said, KISS ME I’M IRISH! I was only going into the office, but I thought maybe Charles would notice it, and that old spark of excitement would return to his eyes.

I grabbed a container of strawberry yogurt, and headed out the door. On the first floor of our building, I literally ran into my neighbor, Jack Diehl. He was coming out of his apartment reading a book as I hurried by, trying to eat my breakfast on the run. Neither of us saw the other until it was too late.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, as I tried to catch my tumbling container of yogurt.

After reaching down to pick up his book, Jack smiled a warm smile, and insisted the accident had been all his fault.

That wasn’t the truth, but I didn’t have time to stand around and disagree with him. I mumbled, “That’s okay,” and raced to the door, leaving Jack standing there with his mouth open as if he were about to continue the conversation.

My old car made its way into the city, until I arrived at my usual parking space.

My legs were sore as I walked up the stairs because they hadn’t yet recovered from the aerobics class I’d started two days earlier. Our old building had two sets of elevators, and both were out of order. “I need a change!” I muttered, thinking of how each day seemed a little worse than the one before.

“Denise,” my friend, Claire, said. She tapped my shoulder, as I pulled my swivel chair out from my desk and sat down. “His majesty wants you in his office. Now!” she said, rolling her eyes. Claire also lived in the same building I did.

His majesty was Charles Baldwin, our department head, and my boyfriend for the past seven months. He was the best-looking guy in our office. He was so gorgeous, and he was popular with all the girls.

In our department, however, Charles’s good looks couldn’t make up for the demanding boss that he was.

“I’d expected those new account reports on my desk yesterday,” he said, barely looking up from the papers in front of him, as I walked into his office.

“They’ll be ready today,” I told him, annoyed that he was so cold. “You didn’t tell me that you needed them yesterday. They would’ve been here,” I tried to say in a forceful voice.

Charles and I had agreed when we’d started dating, that our working relationship would not change. But lately, I felt as if Charles expected twice as much work from me as he did from the others in our department. It seemed that nothing I did was right.

As I turned to leave, I remembered that we had plans to go to a small, Irish pub that evening. We had been planning our St. Patrick’s Day date for a long time. We had decided that we would stand in line for several hours, if that’s what it took to get into the little pub that was known for its good food and great music.

“What time are we going this evening?” I asked.

Charles stood and turned to face the file cabinet that was behind him. “About tonight,” he said.

He didn’t need to finish. I knew he was canceling our date again, but he continued and muttered some excuse about helping his sister and her husband to install new living-room carpeting. I knew it was a lie.

He turned back to face me. “And take that silly thing off!” he said, pointing to the small, green pin I’d placed on my sweater, hoping to perk him up.

My eyes began to sting with tears, but I fought to hold them in. If Claire saw me leaving Charles’s office upset again, I was afraid she’d march in and throw a large stack of his precious account folders at him.

I grabbed the doorknob and began to pull, just as Cecily Dawson stepped in. She’d started work six weeks before, and my heart went out to her. She looked so young, and I guessed that it was her first job. It’s too bad she’s been placed under the supervision of such a tyrant as Charles Baldwin, I thought, as I left the room.

I headed straight for the water cooler hoping Claire wouldn’t notice me. She couldn’t believe that I was still seeing Charles after what a jerk he’d been. In fact, Claire couldn’t believe I’d ever started dating him. “He’s not your type, Denise,” she’d said, shocked when I’d first told her I was going out with him.

She was absolutely right. Charles wasn’t the type of man I’d usually gone out with. That had been one of the reasons I’d found him so attractive I was the girl who’d barely had a date through high school, and things really never improved. I’d been known for turning bright red if any reasonably good-looking guy even spoke to me.

When Charles had first asked me out, I’d nearly fainted. I couldn’t believe that this handsome guy, who could have his pick of any girl in the office, was interested in me.

I’d forced myself to remain calm, and for once I’d manged to throw my shyness aside and accepted his offer.

As I went back to my desk, Claire stopped me and asked if I was plat going to the St. Patrick’s Day party that was being held in the party room of our apartment building that evening.

“I don’t think so,” I whined, still wounded by Charles’s words.

Despite the condition of our old apartment building, the tenants had decided to all pitch in and go to work refinishing the party room. We usually had a party for every possible occasion, making sure our hard work had been for a good cause.

“Why not?” Claire asked.

“I thought I’d stay at home and work on that leaky faucet,” I told her, trying not to sound whiny. I didn’t want another lecture about how I should stop seeing Charles.

“Yeah. You sure wouldn’t want to go out to some stupid, little party when you could be at home working on your plumbing!” she said.

I had to smile. Claire always had a way of making me smile. I guess that’s why she’d been my best friend since fourth grade.

“I’ll stop by for you,” she said.  “We’ll go down to the party room together.” She finished her sentence, and walked before I had a chance to refuse.

I knew it would be a good idea to go to the party. Charles certainly wouldn’t be sitting at home all evening.

Then I remembered Jack Diehl. He’d only moved in three months before. Claire was always telling me what an interesting guy he was. According to her, he’d been all over the world to study sea animals, and then he wrote about his findings. He’d started teaching a course about his work at our local university.

I decided I’d like to talk to Jack. I was also very interested in sea animals. I’d even taken some courses in sea farming at the university. Of course, I didn’t know interested Jack would be in talking with me. After all, how exciting could I make my boring job sound to someone who’d traveled all over the world and really experienced life?

Claire and I decided to go to the little diner across the street for lunch. I usually had lunch with Charles, but ever since he become so distant, he preferred to stay at his desk and eat.

I tried not to think about him, as we prepared to leave. I knew he had a great deal of responsibility as supervisor of our entire department. He’d probably been overworked lately, I decided.

Claire noticed Cecily Dawson sitting at her desk behind a tall stack of folders as we headed for the door. “Do you think we should ask her to come along?” Claire asked.

I nodded, once again feeling sorry for the young woman. She looked like she could really use a break.

“Thanks. But I can’t,” Cecily said in a whispery voice. “If I leave my desk, I’ll never finish all of this.” She pointed to the papers piled up in front of her.

Claire and I shook our heads in disbelief as we left the building. We couldn’t believe that Charles had given her so much work.

After we each ordered soups and salads, Claire filled me in on the details of the party our neighbors had planned. There were going to be plenty of games, and it was going to be a lot of fun.

Our conversation was going fine, until Claire asked me if I wanted to invite Charles. I told her he was going to be busy and wouldn’t be able to make it. She sud­denly remembered Charles and I had been planning our St. Patrick’s Day date for a long time.

“What excuse did he give you this time?” she asked, as she buttered one of the hot rolls that had come with our lunch.

“He’s helping his sister,” I said.

“Sure he is!”

We ate without talking for a few min­utes, until Claire felt that it was her re­sponsibility to warn me about Charles again.

“He can’t be trusted, Denise,” she said. “Remember Debra Fulton and Susan DeMayo?”

I nodded. Charles had been dating Debra when I started working there. Everyone in the office expected the two of them to get married. They seemed so happy together. Then all of a sudden Debra started show­ing up for work nervous and upset, and she’d break into tears at the least little thing. That lasted about two weeks, and then she told us she was leaving work.

Susan was gorgeous. She started about a week after Debra’s departure. It was obvious to all of us that she and Charles were an item right from the beginning. They were both so good looking. Everyone thought for sure they were a match made to last. But after a few months, there seemed to be trouble in paradise. Then Susan shocked us with the announcement that she was quitting her job and going to marry an actor from our town.

“But we don’t know what really hap­pened with Debra and Susan,” I said. “It could have been just as much their fault as Charles’s,” I argued, trying to defend him.

Claire just rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.

Charles had asked me out a few weeks after Susan had left. I’d figured he wouldn’t want more than one date with me anyway, so I was safe. On our first evening together, I’d made it a point to ask Charles what had happened with Debra and Susan. He’d tried to explain, but he got so upset that he couldn’t. I’d figured he’d been truly hurt by those breakups. So when he asked me out again, I accepted.

The first few months we were seeing each other, Charles was wonderful. He always made sure we were doing things that I en­joyed doing, and going places that I liked to go. When he began to change, and in­sisted on planning all of our dates around the things he liked to do, I had no com­plaints. After all, we’d been doing every­thing my way for some time. The real trouble started, when Charles began cancel­ing our dates at the last minute, or didn’t show up for them at all. And when we were out together, he seemed distant and cold. On the job, he’d become more demanding than ever.

Maybe I’m not the only one who needs a change, I thought. Charles had been working awfully hard. He could probably use a nice, relaxing vacation away from the hectic pace of work.

After we finished lunch and started back across the street, Claire told me that Jack Diehl had been awarded a grant from the government to study animals in the Atlantic Ocean. She said he’d be taking off once again at the end of the summer. This time to spend a year aboard a boat.

“Now, that’s a life,” I said, thinking of how Jack would be out in the vast, blue ocean carrying on his work.

As soon as I reach the office, I thought, I’ll march right in and suggest to Charles that we take our vacations and head south where we can find some hot, sandy beach to lounge on.

Charles’s door was closed when I reached it. That was his signal that he didn’t want to be disturbed, but I felt my news was too important to wait. I was hoping that he’d become as enthused about a vacation as I was.

I knocked once and then quickly pushed the door open. I don’t know who was more surprised, Charles and Cecily, or me. Cecily was perched comfortably on Charles’s lap. Apparently, she and the boss had decided her large stack of work didn’t need to be completed so quickly after all.

Young couple having sex at workplace

Cecily slowly slid off Charles’s lap and slipped out of the room with a smile of satisfaction on her face.

“Denise,” Charles said. “Come in and sit down. Please.”

But I didn’t feel like sitting down. I felt more like walking over and knocking Charles off his chair and onto the floor!

“That won’t be necessary,” I told him, trying to keep my voice from cracking or the tears from starting. “There’s no explanation for the way you behave, and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say!” I walked out of his office, and slammed the door as hard as I could.

Everyone was staring at me with looks of sympathy on their faces. I guess they didn’t have to be geniuses to figure out what had just happened. Claire rushed over and started to put her arm around my shoulder, but I stopped her.

“I won’t be seeing Charles any longer I told her. I walked to my desk, sat down and started working.

That evening as I dressed for the partyI tried not to think of Charles and Cecily but of how I was going to fulfill the promise I’d made to myself.

Maybe I can go back to school and continue my studies in sea farming, I thought. Or maybe, I can move to a new town, start a new job, and meet new people.

I was concentrating on all of my options when the doorbell rang. I wondered who it could be. It was still too early for Claire to be stopping by.

I was surprised to find a deliveryman standing there with a large arrangement of flowers. “Denise Madison?” he asks

“Yes,” I said, and he handed me the large bouquet.

I ripped open the tiny envelope, anxious to find out who had sent them. The card read: Sorry about bumping into you this morning. I hope you’re coming to the party tonight. It will make my St. Patrick’s Day something special if you’re there, Jack Diehl.

I took out a vase and began putting flowers in it. I weaved the delicate baby’s breath and tiny shamrocks among them. It was a beautiful arrangement, and a very special one. I actually began to feel that a different and exciting life was possible me.

When Claire arrived, I was dressed in green and had placed a small flower from Jack’s bouquet in my hair.

“Wow!” she said. “You look great!”

“I feel great,” I announced, as Claire studied me with surprise.

“What’s this?” she asked, noticing flowers.

I handed her the card to read for herself.

She didn’t say a thing. She just smiled and I knew she was happy for me.

As we started for the door, I asked her to wait a minute. I ran back to my room and grabbed the small pin I’d worn to work that day. Maybe Charles didn’t appreciate my St. Patrick’s Day enthusiasm, but someone else might.

That evening, my life really did change. Jack was so kind and sensitive. Between games, he explained his work to me, and I was pleased to find that the classes I’d taken did help me to keep up with him. He also listened carefully as I explained what a fool I’d been to trust Charles.

Before we realized it, the party had ended. Claire told us they were turning off the lights and leaving the cleanup until the next evening.

After Jack walked me up to my apartment and we stood by the door to say goodnight, he looked at the pin I was wearing. The pin that proclaimed, KISS ME I’M IRISH!” May I,” he said, before leaning and kissing me tenderly.

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After that St. Patrick’s Day, my life was busier than ever. I worked each day, and spent each evening at the university taking classes. When Jack Diehl went off to at the end of that summer to continue, work, I went along with him as his wife, Mrs. Diehl. Now all of our St. Patrick’s Day celebrations are special, whether on land or sea!

Are You A Good Date?

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In the world of contemporary romance, it has become common knowledge that there isn’t one perfect solution for finding love. The large number of dating platforms in existence today has created numerous opportunities for both men and women to find the perfect mate and, in the process, make the best possible impression on a date.

While most singles today seem to be making use of these outlets for dates, whether it is online, singles events, speed dating or social media, there are those who feel like nothing is working to help them find love. If you are single and have been using one or all of these vehicles for dating with no luck, it might be time to look inwards and evaluate your personal dating skills.

Sometimes, it is hard to be able to take such a different perspective, but can often help bring new light and more understanding about how you interact with others on dates. Becoming increasingly aware of your dating approach, demeanor, or language can make a huge difference in how successful your dates turn out. If you are feeling less than satisfied with your dating results after trying what feels like everything to meet the right person, perhaps it is time to take a fresh look and see how you might be measuring up. Below is some of our expert dating material assessments for you to consider and determine if you are a good date.

Tip #1: Listen Up.

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There are a ton of distractions in the world today. Thanks to smart phones, we have a lot going on right in the palm of our hand. When you are on a new date, are you constantly texting or checking your phone? Do you even realize if you are checking your phone too much? Not only can this be a major turn off to your date, but you might also miss a lot of important information being said.

There is a lot that people discuss when on a first date. When meeting someone for the first time, it is important to pay attention to what the other is saying. If you are taking the time to get to know someone, make it count by paying close attention and trying to remember what the other person said. This will help make your date feel like you are interested in them and help you learn more about the person you are sitting across from faster.

Tip #2: Speak up.

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As much as your date will appreciate you paying attention to what they had to say about themselves, don’t forget to compliment the conversation overall by giving your two cents and helping drive the topic train throughout your date. If you are the kind of person that gets shy or lets others dominate the discussion, you might end up seeming standoffish. Worse yet, if you tend to be tightlipped on first dates, you might even come off as forgettable or boring.

Try to avoid awkward moments of silence by being inquisitive about your date and bringing up discussion topics that you might find relatable on both ends. Use topics like sports, weather, careers, family, celebrities, favorite foods, hobbies, travel, etc. to make conversation and get to know your date better. Not only will this help further the conversation and keep both individuals invested in the date, but it will also help nurture and develop an emotional connection between new romantic partners.

Tip #3: Be Polite.

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When on a first date or while getting to know someone, it is simple to forget the basics of being polite. Something as common sense as a please or thank you could be left out at important moments when your date is just starting to formulate their opinions about you as a person. Believe it or not, chivalry is still alive and well today. For singles that are invested in impressing their romantic partners, courtesy and respect are two of the most important attributes they need to succeed.

Tip #4: Look Sharp.

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First impressions play a big role in how people view each other. If you have made dating into a common occurrence whether it’s after work or on the weekends, be sure to stay up to date with looking fresh and sexy. With so much going on during our busy workdays, it is easy to forget to dress extra hot or do a last minute spruce-up before heading from the office out to the dating circuit.

Sometimes dates happen at a spur of the moment. To make sure you are always prepared to look your best, keep some grooming essentials at work, in your bag or in your car. The investment in some extra perfume, a comb or emergency outfit will pay off!

You might be just joining the dating scene or feel like you have been dating forever. Regardless of where you are at in your dating career, don’t forget to stick to the basic dating tips above to ensure you are bringing your dating-A-game to every experience.

Tips On How To Find Your Soulmate

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1. See Yourself with the Perfect Partner

Envision the perfect relationship. That’s the start of your journey to a great relationship. Imagine someone with all the qualities you’re looking for and having that special someone as your soulmate. Your imagination will open doors and lead you to that special person. Take time out of your day and see yourself in this situation. Before you know it, that person will be in your life. In this case, mental imagery is your tool.

Often couples will say they knew he or she was the right one. This is because prior to meeting, each partner had envisioned some set of ideas they wanted. In other words, they had the perfect partner with those qualities in their mind. It’s very important to pay attention to what you’re thinking. You might be thinking of a special relationship for yourself but have a friend in a poor relationship. You need to not think of your friend with a poor relationship and continue to think yourself in a great one! Remember, your relationship is special for you. Believe it or not when we see other people in poor relationships, it can rub off on you since you’ve been exposed to the idea of a poor relationship.

2. Ask Yourself What You’re Looking for

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Doing a self assessment of your needs in a relationship is tantamount to your relationship success. See what makes you happiest in a person. You might want a great wife and parent and might find that in someone. You might have more money than you’ll ever need and not need the financial support of your partner so a wealthy or well off partner isn’t a requirement. Or you might want to be a homemaker raising children. You’ll want to make sure your partner can provide the basics so you can raise your children and take care of your home with peace of mind. Having a partner who meets your needs in a relationship is the basis of contentment in your relationship.

3. Look in the Right Places

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Everyone has heard the phrase “Looking for love in all the wrong places”. Well you want to make sure you’re looking for love in all the right places. Join interest groups such as bird watching or book clubs. There are lots of activities that bring people together that are perfect places to meet new friends and lovers. You can meet people from online dating sites or join online communities and meet new people this way as well. You can check your local newspaper or magazine for a list of great places where people are getting together. You can take a cooking course for example, learn a new skill and meet new potential mates along the way! There are as many ways to meet new people as your imagination can take you. Stay open to new ideas and be ready.

4. Make Sure You Meet Each Other Halfway

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Relationships are not one sided affairs. It takes two to tango! And you have to remember you’ll have to negotiate everything from the start including seeing each other. You’ll need to compromise on some things from time to time. Some couples have different tastes in movies . He likes action adventure and she likes art house , relationship driven movies. They compromise by having every other movie they watch be one he likes or she likes. This way they get the companionship they love while going to the movies and the opportunity to explore movies they wouldn’t see otherwise. Meeting each other halfway is a building block of any great relationship. And it’s not just movie decisions. It could be where to live, schools to send children to or other decisions that require both partners to meet each halfway.

5. Keep Your Standards Up

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While it’s important to make compromises and meet each other halfway sometimes, your relationship shouldn’t be so many compromises that you don’t enjoy the relationship. Keeping your standards up will help you keep your chin up in this situation and be proud of yourself and your partner. Meeting at interest groups is often great since you can get insight into the person on an objective basis before any relationship has ever begun. Before one famous couple married, she worked for him. She was able to rise to head her own division at this company. He was able to see all the great qualities she possessed before starting any relationship. Now the two of them are married and coworkers in one of the world’s largest charitable organizations. I’m sure each partner in this case had mutual respect for each other as coworkers. Each partner has a sense of satisfaction in their choice of mate based on work ethic and productivity based on respect. Keeping your standards up helps you in the long run enjoy a more satisfying relationship.

These tips are a few that will get you on your way to a great and satisfying relationship. Seeing yourself in a great relationship is where it starts. There are lots of great places to meet that special someone including free online dating sites. Following these simple steps will lead you to your soulmate and true happiness that you’ve chosen wisely.

Bette & Joan’s Legendary Feud Is ‘Star’ of New FX Series

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Joan Crawford and Betty Davis were not friends. This was one of the most commonly-known “secrets” in Hollywood history. Of course, they both would play nice when the cameras were rolling and Crawford even firmly dismissed any longtime enmity in a 1947 magazine article entitled “Can Women Trust Each Other?” by saying, “Why should there be a feud? I believe there is a place for every actress in this wonderful business. Certainly Bette and I don’t fear each other.” Bette & Joan -- On Set The rivalry between the silver-screen icons is the stuff of legend, a decades-long battle sparked by both professional and personal resentments and fueled by an industry that loved nothing more than to see its women tear each other apart. Much of their fighting played out as back-and-forth sniping in the tabloids, though Crawford was always less openly hostile than Davis, whose iconic burns include the classic: “[Crawford] slept with every male star at MGM—except Lassie.” Bette & Joan -- BETTE The premise behind FX and Ryan Murphy’s latest anthology series, Feud, which premieres on March 5, is so deceptively simple that it’s hard to believe it hasn’t already been done. Each season will see Murphy and his co-producers focus on a different famous feud—much as each season of American Crime Story tackles a real-life crime—and it’s already clear that the first set of eight episodes, subtitled Bette and Joan, will be a very tough act to follow. Susan Sarandon plays Bette Davis while Jessica Lange takes on Joan Crawford. Bette Davis: Beautiful, Gifted and Hard to Love So how did these two legendary starlets end up being the centerpieces of a four-decade long feud? Bette & Joan -- JOAN 1933: It begins with Crawford’s divorce overshadowing Bette’s starring role. Crawford began her on-screen career at a younger age than Davis (Crawford made her first onscreen appearance in 1925) and was already an established star by the time Davis moved to Hollywood in 1930. In 1933, Davis had reached a pivotal moment in her still-nascent career—the comedy Ex-Lady would be the first to feature her name above the title. Warner Bros. had planned an elaborate publicity campaign announcing Davis’s new phase of stardom—until Crawford announced that she was divorcing her first husband, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., on the same day. According to celebrity biographer David Bret, The New York Times relegated Davis’s film to a small paragraph in the Review section, while devoting several pages to Crawford’s news, and other papers followed suit. Ex-Lady was dropped from theaters after a week thanks to poor ticket sales, and Davis’s beef was supposedly born. 1Bette & Joan -- Joan & actor935: Joan marries the man Bette loved. “I have never forgiven her for that, and never will.” So said Davis in a 1987 interview with journalistMichaelThorton, 52 years after the defining incident in her lifelong hatred of Crawford. In 1935, Davis starred in the drama Dangerous and fell hard for her co-star Franchot Tone. “I fell in love with Franchot, professionally and privately,” she said. “Everything about him reflected his elegance, from his name to his manners.” Unfortunately, Crawford got to Tone first. Rumor has it that she invited Tone to her home and met him naked in the solarium. The couple would announce their engagement during the filming of Dangerous. “He was madly in love with her,” Davis said. “They met each day for lunch… he would return to the set, his face covered in lipstick. Davis would go on to win an Oscar for her performance in Dangerous—and yet Crawford still managed to upstage her. 1943: Joan leaves MGM for Warner Brothers and is now directly competing for studio roles with Betty. Bette & Joan -- Bette smoking Back in the day, actors were more or less owned by a studio and couldn’t work on any other productions, unless specifically loaned out. Crawford was part of MGM and Davis was part of Warner Bros. so, even though they were competing for America’s attention, they rarely had to compete for the same roles. Until now. Crawford had her heart set on the title role in the film noir Mildred Pierce and got her wish when Davis—the studio’s first choice—turned it down. Two years later, Crawford would take another lead role originally intended for Davis, in the crime drama Possessed, and win another Oscar nomination for it. Despite Davis’s oft-quoted line “Miss Crawford is a movie star, and I am an actress,” it had become clear that the industry saw more common ground between them than Davis would like to admit. Joan Crawford: Tough, Talented, And Unlucky in Love Given the comparisons, it’s no surprise that some producers were keen to get Davis and Crawford on screen together. Their unlikely vehicle came years later when their careers were fading via the horror film What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? — about a demented former child star (Davis) who holds her crippled sister (Crawford) captive. Crawford signed on first, but knew she needed the perfect co-star to make it a career-reviving hit. Putting ego aside, she flew to New York and asked her rival to take the part. Amazingly, Davis did. Bette & Joan -- Actress Meeting Davis agreed to sign on to Baby Jane on two conditions: that she play the title role of Jane, and that the film’s director Robert Aldrich assure her he was not sleeping with Crawford: “It wasn’t that I cared about his private life, or hers either,” Davis reportedly said. “I didn’t want him favoring her with more close-ups.” Though the film was an unexpected box office success, and did to some extent represent the comeback that both actresses desperately needed, it became remembered most powerfully as a public document of their real-life rivalry. Baby Jane and the behind-the-scenes stories born while making this film, will all be revealed during the anthology series Feud.  Was their feud real? Or was it a media creation that Bette and Joan capitalized on? Maybe it’s a bit of both, but this Feud is not to be missed. bette2 - CopyFor more info on Bette Davis Click Here           joan2For more info on Joan Crawford Click Here

Joan Crawford: Tough, Talented and Unlucky in Love

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Lucille Fay LeSueur was born to a single mother in Texas and spent her childhood moving from state to state, struggling to get a proper education. She dreamed of a better life as a famous dancer. After some time in various chorus lines, Lucille decided to switch gears and landed a $75 a week gig as an actress at MGM. The studio publicist didn’t like the sound of her name (too close to “sewer”) so he organized a “Name the Star” magazine contest for $1000 prize. And a star (named Joan Crawford) was born!

A prolific and long-lasting film career was to follow, with Crawford ultimately going on to star in more than sixty films. She took on talking roles with projects like Hollywood Revue (1929) and Grand Hotel (1932), and her dancing skills were prominently displayed with Fred Astaire in the 1933 hit Dancing Lady. Clark Gable was also featured, and was a recurring co-star in works like Possessed (1931) and Strange Cargo (1940).

Joan Crawford and Clark Gable

Joan Crawford and Clark Gable

Was Clark Gable the love of her life? At times, Joan intimated as much, even though she had had four husbands—actors Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Franchot Tone, Phillip Terry, and Pepsi-Cola president Alfred Steele—and many lovers. Clark Gable co-starred with Crawford in eight movies, more than anyone else, and the two are rumored to have pursued an affair on and off for decades. They were certainly good friends, and when Gable’s wife Carole Lombard was killed in a 1942 plane crash, Crawford took over her scheduled role in the film They All Kissed the Bride and donated her salary to the American Red Cross.

Bette & Joan’s Legendary Feud Is ‘Star’ of New FX Series

joan3Crawford adopted four children, one of whom, Christina, wrote the 1978 memoir Mommie Dearest, in which she writes of enduring highly erratic and abusive behavior from her mother during childhood. The book was adapted into a 1981 film starring Faye Dunaway as Crawford.

Though garnering a series of notable roles, including her Oscar winning performance as the lead role in Mildred Pierce, Crawford’s career had grown quiet, only to be revitalized yet again with the 1962 horror classic Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, co-starring her “buddy” Bette Davis.

Crawford died of a heart attack in 1977. Her exact age was unknown as her birthday was a subject of numerous rumors.

Bette Davis: Beautiful, Gifted and Hard To Love

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Ruth Elizabeth Davis was born in Lowell, Massachusetts, on April 5, 1908, the eldest daughter of Harlow Morrell Davis, a lawyer, and Ruth Favor Davis. She was called Bette as a child and kept the name throughout her career.

Davis got a break when she was offered a part in The Man Who Played God. She received good reviews and a long-term contract from the Warner Brothers studio. This began a series of films with Warner, mostly unremarkable and insignificant, but critics began to notice Davis’s talent and unique quality. Davis began to claw her way to the top of the film world. She fought for and won the right to appear in another studio’s production of Of Human Bondage. Suddenly, the world was introduced to a brilliant new actress.

Bette & Joan’s Legendary Feud Is ‘Star’ of New FX Series

Davis won her first Academy Award in 1935, for her role as a troubled young actress in Dangerous. She then appeared in The Petrified Forest with male stars Leslie Howard and Humphrey Bogart in 1937. After a rocky period at Warner Brothers, during which time she was suspended for turning down roles, sued the studio and spent some time in England, she returned to Hollywood, and was offered a higher salary and better choice of roles.

bette2 - CopyDavis received her second Oscar for her performance as a rebellion Southern belle in 1938′s Jezebel. A number of critical and box-office successes followed: She played an heiress coming to terms with mortal illness in Dark Victory and Elizabeth I in The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex (both released in 1939), and went on to deliver several well-received performances in films of the 1940s, including The Little Foxes; the comedy The Man Who Came to Dinner; the American drama Now, Voyager; and the drama The Corn is Green. By the time she severed ties with Warner Brothers in 1949, Davis was one of its largest talents.

Her feud with Hollywood icon Joan Crawford was legendary. Crawford approached Davis with a request to play opposite her in a new script called, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. The film was a desperate attempt to take advantage of the public’s interest in the two fading stars and their history of contempt for each other. The film worked, and was quite the box office success story.

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During the 1970s and 1980s, Davis continued to appear in films, mainly on television. She also appeared on many talk shows, delighting her audiences by her refusal to give in to old age. She was the fifth person to receive the American Film Institute’s Life Achievement Award in 1977 and the first woman to be so honored. In 1979 she won an Emmy Award for Strangers: The Story of a Mother and Daughter.

Davis wrote two books about her own life, The Lonely Life (1962) and This ‘N That (1987) (the second of which answered charges by her daughter that Davis was an alcoholic who had abused her children). She was also married four times.  Her first marriage, to bandleader Harmon Oscar Nelson Jr., ended in divorce; her second husband, businessman Arthur Farnsworth, died in 1943. With third husband William Grant Sherry, Davis had a daughter named Barbara. While married to Gary Merrill, her co-star in All About Eve, she adopted two children, Margot and Michael; the marriage ended in divorce.

She passed away from breast cancer while in France in 1989. Davis was 81 years old.

Soccer Mom Hooker

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I’d do anything to give my kids a better life!

From the first moment that I gazed into my baby daughter’s eyes I made a silent promise that she would never be deprived of any of the opportunities I’d missed out on. Years later, I made the same promise to her brother and sister.

My childhood was not what you’d call a horrible one. I had a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes to wear. I’m sure my parents loved me, but they didn’t cherish me. There is a difference. I never felt that they were interested in making sacrifices to help me get ahead in life. Mom and Dad were content to see me graduate from high school, take a menial job, and hopefully someday get married.

I had to sit on the sidelines and watch my classmates win awards for talent, beauty, and athletics. Oh, how I envied those girls who got to take piano and dance lessons. I dreamed of becoming a dancer, an actress, a famous writer. But to develop a talent, you need to be nurtured.

I wasn’t too bad at sports, but because my parents wouldn’t shell out the money for a park league team, I never had the opportunity to really show off my skills.

In short, if it cost money, I had to forget about it. So I did all that was expected of me: I finished high school, but I couldn’t go to college. My parents didn’t have the money for tuition, not even with me working to earn part of the expenses. With college out of the question, I did what so many other girls have done—I got a job.

I’d taken secretarial courses in high school and was able to land a position as a file clerk in a trucking company. It was there that I met Carson Brooks, one of the truckers.

Carson was about six years older than me and very good-looking. I was flattered that he wanted to date me. We went out together for eight months, and then he asked me to marry him. I said yes for two reasons; the first being that I wanted to get out of my parents’ house. The second was that I thought Carson was the best I could do, and he loved me.

Our combined income gave us a decent living, but he was gone a lot. I was always lonely. I was thrilled when I became pregnant. Having a baby would fill those lonely days. Carson was excited about the baby. He agreed that we needed a house instead of our small apartment. I knew exactly what I wanted, which was a home in Brookline Estates, the upper-class area of town.

I never considered the cost. Providing a lifestyle that would give my child the very best was my only consideration. Carson, however, felt differently. “Jessie, we can’t afford to move into Brookline Estates. The taxes alone are more than we pay in rent now.”

“Maybe so, but it’s worth it, considering the education our child will get. Think of the opportunities the baby will have.”

“Can’t we compromise a little and find a house in a good neighborhood that we can afford? I’m not asking you to move into a slum, but there are lots of nice neighborhoods that would serve our needs without crippling us with debt.”

“Sure, if you don’t care what sort of future your child has, I suppose we can compromise.” After that, I refused to speak to him for days. How could he be such a penny-pincher when it came to our child’s future?

After a week of the cold shoulder treatment, Carson caved. “Find a house in Brookline if you can get one that we can have financed. I’ll take on some extra runs to pay for it.”

I hugged him and made love to him passionately that night. The next day I started a serious hunt for our house. Carson was right about one thing: Financing wasn’t going to be easy. We couldn’t get into the four bedrooms, five bath homes with the swimming pools.

I’d almost given up hope when the realtor showed me a house that had just been put on the market. It was in desperate need of repair and quite old, but in the right zip code. Even in such dismal shape, it was twenty thousand dollars over budget, but it was the best buy I’d found.

Carson was a hard sell. “I’ll do most of the redecorating,” I said. “You’ll only have to do the heavy stuff that I can’t.”

“But it needs so much work, Jessie. It’ll take every spare minute I have just to make the place livable.”

“Yes, but once we have it fixed up, it’ll be a great investment. We’d be able to sell it for almost double what we’re paying.”

Eventually I pressured him into buying the house. Moving was no big deal because we didn’t have much to start with. On our second day in our new home, the next-door neighbors dropped by with a welcome gift. Darla and Hal DeRossa were definitely an upwardly mobile couple. She owned her own interior designer business and he was a CPA. I felt embarrassed having them see our tacky old furniture.

“What a marvelous piece,” Darla said, running her hand over the dining room table. “Where did you find it?”

“My grandmother gave it to me. She moved to a retirement community in Florida and didn’t need her furniture.”

The truth was, Grandmother moved in with her sister, who lived in a trailer in Florida. She told me I could have her old furniture if I’d haul it out.

After Darla and Hal left, Carson turned to me, completely disgusted. “Why did you lie about your grandmother to the DeRossas? It’s no shame not to have money.”

“Yes, it is. If you don’t have money, you’ll always be on the outside looking in while someone else gets all the prizes.”

“Jessie, anyone worth knowing won’t judge you on what you have. They’ll look at the kind of person you are inside.”

“Carson, we’re in a different world now. Appearances count for a lot. I know Darla thought the furniture was tacky, even if she did compliment Grandmother’s dining room suite. We’ve got to furnish our home with nicer things.”

How? There are only twenty-four hours in a day, and I can’t take on anymore trips. All my spare time is spent fixing this house up, so where will the money to buy the things you want come from?”

“I’m going back to work after the baby comes.”

“No way, Jessie. You agreed not to work until the baby was at least a year old.”

“That is so old-fashioned. Darla didn’t stop working because of her kids.” Darla and Hal mentioned that they had two children; one was five and the other was ten months.

“I don’t care what Darla does or doesn’t do. I want you at home with our baby.”

“Carson, I’m going back to work and that’s that.”

9044718By spring, the house was almost finished. April brought rain, flowers, and our beautiful little daughter. Kristal was more than I’d dreamed of. Her hair was dark, like Carson’s, and she had my green eyes and dimples. Going back to work and leaving her was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but we desperately needed the money.

I worked hard and saved as much of my earnings as possible so that Kristal could enter the baby beauty pageants when she was old enough. Darla’s daughter, Morgan, had won her first at two years old, and I was determined that Kristal would do the same.

Carson and I hadn’t planned to have another child right away, but sometimes you are taken by surprise. This time it was a boy, and we named him Lance. I could tell from the way he kicked that this little guy was destined to be a soccer player or on an NFL team.

Mom had helped with Kristal but wasn’t up to caring for a second child. When I told Darla about my problem with childcare, she suggested I hire a nanny to look after both children. Carson, as usual, complained about the cost, saying we could put the children in day care. I won that argument. Weren’t our children worth the expense of a nanny?

Two years later, Jennifer was born. After that I had my tubes tied. I loved children and so did Carson, but it is wrong to have more than you can provide for. Besides, I was already working overtime to cover Kristal’s pageants. She’d also started taking dance lessons and modeling. As beautiful as my little girl was, I knew that a talent agent would someday discover her and she’d be in commercials.

At six, Kristal won her first overall best of show. I’ve never been prouder in my life. The trophy was bigger than she was!

“We’re going to have to get serious about Kristal’s future,” I told Carson.

“Jessie, we spend every spare dime on her lessons and pageant fees as it is. How much more serious can we get?”

“She needs a modeling coach—a good one to guide her career.”

Career? Kristal’s only six. She’s a pretty little girl with a great personality, but frankly I think she’d be happier if you cut back on the pageants and just let her be a kid.”

“I’m not doing this for me. I’m going to see to it that my children have the opportunities they deserve, no matter what the sacrifice.”

“The hell you’re not doing it for you! Jessie, you spent six hours on the phone calling people to brag about Kristal winning the contest.”

“I want people to know how special she is, and how proud I am of her.”

“Have it your way.” He slammed out the door.

Kristal didn’t get the coach I wanted to hire because we couldn’t afford the woman. It broke my heart, but Kristal took the disappointment well. “Mom, it’s really okay,” she said. “I like Miss Wren at dance school better, anyway.”

Her understanding made me all the more determined. Kristal, Lance, and Jen would have the best that money could buy, no matter what Carson and I had to do to get it for them.

Just as I’d predicted, Lance was a born soccer player. Even at five he showed talent. When he joined a park league team at age eight, I signed on to carpool with other soccer moms. To fit all the kids into my car I traded the one I had in for a new SUV.

Carson was furious when he returned from a trip and saw it sitting in our driveway.

“I work for money, too,” I protested. “And if I need a car I shouldn’t have to wait until you have time to help me find one.”

“We can’t afford it,” he said.

“That’s what I’m putting on your tombstone, Carson. ‘We can’t afford it!’ ”

“At the rate things are going, with all the financial stress, it might be a good idea to go ahead and order that tombstone. You’re killing me, Jessie.”

We barely spoke to each other all weekend. There was a subject I wanted to bring up but didn’t dare. Jen was just the right age to start on the pageant circuit. I desperately wanted to enter her in the Beautiful Baby contest at the Civic Center. The entry fee was two hundred dollars, plus photos and awards.

Somehow, I would have to come up with the money without telling Carson. I’d recently changed jobs, taking one that paid more. My boss, John Rogers, sold medical equipment to doctors and retailers. I was his administrative assistant. I’ll admit it wasn’t my computer skills that landed me the job. John had an eye for blondes with big . . . dimples.

Not that we messed around or anything. John just liked to flirt. At least that was what I told myself when he’d make suggestive remarks. One of his major accounts was a plastic surgeon. The doctor, whom I’ll call Dr. Miller, mentioned to John that I had the kind of build that his patients paid big bucks to achieve.

When John told me what he’d said, I was flattered. After three children, I’d still kept my figure. John asked me to stay a little late that day, after the rest of the staff had gone. I didn’t usually do overtime, so this being a first-time request, I felt I couldn’t turn him down.

“Jessie, there’s something I want to talk to you about. You can say no and we’ll pretend we never had this conversation, but if you’re interested, then . . .well, we’ll see where it goes.”

“Just tell me. If I don’t like what you’ve got to say, I’ll let you know.”

“Bruce Miller has a thing for you.”

“Do you mean Dr. Miller?”

John smiled slightly. “Yeah, he’s going ape over you. Jessie, if you’re interested, he’d be very generous to us. He said he’d give me all of his business, and if he does, there’ll be a substantial bonus in it for you.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“Nothing. This is between you and Bruce. I’m only the messenger.”

“But I’m a married woman,” I said.

“Right. But I have to say . . . you don’t act like a happily married woman. And there’s nothing wrong with having lunch with Bruce. You could enjoy a nice meal and then make your decisions. Jessie, lots of women do it, and from what I’ve observed, you’d be justified. It’s obvious that your husband doesn’t appreciate you. I’ve seen the look on your face when other women get flowers for their birthday or Valentine’s and you don’t.”

That was true. Carson never sent me flowers. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last meaningful gift he’d given me. For my birthday he took me out to dinner at a cheap restaurant. John was right: It wouldn’t hurt to have lunch with Dr. Miller. Maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to.

I’ve always been able to justify my actions, and this time was no exception. I had lunch with Bruce Miller. Afterward, he took me to see his office. No one was there. We sat on his lush leather sofa and sipped cognac. Bruce put his arm around me and moved in for a slow, lingering kiss.

It was wrong, I know, but it felt so tender and good. Carson seldom kissed me like that anymore. Having a man really desire and appreciate me went to my head faster than the cognac.

“I have to get back to work,” I said.

“No, you don’t. I’ll call John and tell him you’re taking inventory for me.”

Bruce and I talked for a long time. I told him all about my children and my dreams for them. He understood; he felt the same way about his own kids. His wife was a lot like Carson, so we had that in common, too.

Soon we were making love on the sofa. Afterward I felt shame and guilt. How could I face my children? I’d cheated on their father. On the drive home I promised myself that I’d never see Bruce again.

The next day, a messenger arrived with a letter for me. It was a paid-in-full entry form from the Beautiful Baby people. I almost cried, I was so happy. She would get the opportunity I’d prayed for. I called to thank her silent benefactor, Dr. Bruce Miller.

Bruce kept his word and gave John all his business. I received a very nice bonus. Bruce and I saw each other a couple of times a week, and afterward there was always a token of his appreciation. I didn’t consider myself a prostitute for taking gifts and money from him. I just saw it as his way of showing me how much he cared for me.

Was I in love with him? I can’t honestly say. After awhile he stopped calling me. John said that Bruce’s wife was giving him hell about not spending more time at home, and Bruce was afraid she’d find out about the affair. In a way, I was relieved to have it end.

There was a downside, though, one that I felt immediately. The money Bruce had given me paid for the extras my children needed. I was able to get a good modeling coach for Kristal, and she’d improved her runway presentation a hundred times over. Jen was in the best dancing school in the city, and her fees were coming due soon. Lance needed to attend soccer camp to improve his game.

I told John about my problems. He had a solution ready at hand. Another of his customers had commented that he’d like to get to know me better. I agreed to lunch, like before, but this time the man wasn’t the gentleman that Bruce had been. He laid it on the line for me, that it was sex he was after. Conversation was something he avoided with women; if he was going to have to chat a lady up, he’d do it with his own wife.

This time I said I’d have to think about it. I did, too, and almost made up my mind to say no . . . when John told me how much the bonus would be. It was wrong; everything I did was wrong, but I felt obligated to do whatever I had to do. Carson certainly wasn’t taking an interest in helping the children excel.

Young-woman-standing-young-man-DVP4948830In a short time I’d gone from soccer mom to corporate hooker, sleeping with my boss’ customers to land big accounts. I got my share of the loot but paid for it with feelings of shame and degradation. I’d die if my children found out, even though I was doing it for their benefit.

Lance was able to go to soccer camp, and did very well. Kristal was now taking piano and voice; little Jen was the darling of the pageant circuit, as well as a star in her dance class. Their trophies lined the mantle in the living room. I’d kept the promise I’d made to them when they were born.

Unfortunately, karma has a way of kicking us in the rear. One of the secretaries left the company and went to work for John’s chief rival. Neither John nor I had noticed just how disgruntled Rosemary had been with her job. We also didn’t know that she knew about our clandestine relationships with some of our customers. How she found out, I’ll never know. John and I were both extremely careful.

Rosemary must have told her new employer about my arrangement with John, and how we were able to land such large contracts. It didn’t take long for the rumor mill to circulate the story all over town. Soon the customers who’d given us their business stopped buying from John; they wouldn’t even return phone calls. At that time we had no idea why it was happening.

There were still a few guys I saw, and since I wasn’t aware of the rumors, I didn’t see any reason to stop. It took a lawsuit to open my eyes. The wife of one of the doctors I’d been sleeping with wanted to divorce her husband and take everything. She’d heard the rumors about me and wondered if I was the reason for her husband’s late nights.

Doing what so many scorned women with money do, she hired a detective to get the goods on her husband. I used to see the doctor in his office after hours. Somehow, the detective had rigged a video camera inside, which caught us on tape. Now the wife was suing for divorce—and I was subpoenaed to be a witness.

“You’re lucky she didn’t sue you,” John said. “I’ve heard of cases like that, where the wife sues the other woman.”

I was furious at the casual way he was taking the lawsuit. My life was going to be exposed in open court, and John acted as though it wasn’t a big deal. “You’re in this, too,” I said.

He sneered. “No, I’m afraid you’re on your own, Jessie. I covered my tracks. I haven’t done anything that’s illegal or could cause a civil action to be brought against me.”

“It was you set me up with all of those men.”

“Dear, I didn’t ‘set you up’ with anyone. I told you that a couple of guys admired you and said they’d like to take you to lunch. You made your own dates, and you decided how you’d handle things.”

“What about the bonus you gave me when I landed an account for us?”

“What bonus? I have no record of a bonus being paid to you. Have you claimed a bonus on your income tax?”

He had me there; I hadn’t claimed the money. I’d kept it, just like any common whore would have. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. How could I have been so delusional?

When the particulars of the divorce were revealed and my name brought out, people stopped speaking to me. The other soccer moms in the carpool refused to let their children ride with me, and neither would they pick up Lance.

“Mommy, why won’t the guys play with me at school?” he asked.

“Honey, they’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.” It was the only excuse my son could possibly understand. How could I tell him that the reason the boys he’d been friends with since he was five couldn’t play with him was because I’d prostituted myself?

Unfortunately, Carson learned about the affair in the worst way possible: He overheard some guys at work making jokes. He’d been on the road a great deal and never suspected what I was doing.

He confronted me with what he’d heard. “Is it true, Jessie?”

I could see the hurt on his face. “I can explain—”

“No, I don’t think you can. There’s no excuse for being unfaithful to me.”

“I only did it to help the kids. They needed things we couldn’t afford.”

“The kids never needed anything we couldn’t afford. You just wanted them to have things that other people in this overpriced neighborhood had. Please don’t make yourself out to be a martyr, Jessica. It’s not like the kids had a fatal illness or needed money for an operation. You whored yourself so you could parade your children in front of others and show them off.”

“I wanted them to have what I never had!”

“Well, I’d say you did a bang-up job of giving it to them. You never had a whore for a mother. That’s what they got.”

“No, they got a mother who supported them in everything they wanted to do!” I screamed. “You have no idea what it’s like to have to sit on the sidelines while other people get all the good things in life.”

“I know what it’s like to have men make nasty jokes about my wife. Jessie, I fooled myself into thinking you really loved me. Now I see that was never the case. I’m tired of it. I’m going to pack and move over to my brother’s place, file for divorce, and end this sham of a marriage.”

Carson shoved past me, went into the bedroom, packed, and left the house. Later, the children asked where Daddy was. It was supposed to be his night at home with them. He always made their favorite dish, spaghetti. Then we’d watch a video together.

“He had an emergency trip,” I said. Using a headache for an excuse, I let the children order a pizza for dinner, then I went to bed.

How would I make it without Carson? He’d been a good provider and a loving father. As I lay thinking these thoughts, something occurred to me. I’d taken a very good man totally for granted. In my obsession to push my children into the limelight, I’d forgotten how to be a wife.

So what if he didn’t send me flowers? When had I ever done anything special for him? I was always too busy with the children to consider Carson’s needs. Now I’d done the unforgivable. What man could love a woman who’d prostituted herself behind his back? Certainly not my husband. I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke to a ringing phone. It was Carson’s brother, Peter. “Well, Jess, I hope you’re satisfied. Carson just left to beat the hell out of that guy you work for.”

“Why?”

“He found out that your boss was the one who was setting you up with men. Seems a secretary who used to work there dates a trucker who works with Carson. He was happy as hell to fill Carson in on everything.”

I hung up the phone, pulled on some clothes, and drove like a maniac to the office. Carson’s truck was in the parking lot. I prayed I wasn’t too late. Carson could kill John in one blow.

Their argument was so loud that I heard it before I opened the door. I’d never heard my husband yell so loudly, or say the words that were pouring from his lips. I rushed inside John’s office to break up the fight and found Carson holding John pinned to the wall.

“Let him go!” I said. “He’s not worth it.”

“Get the hell out of here, Jessie,” Carson ordered me. “This is between him and me. The bastard bought his Porsche by pimping my wife. I think I have a right to bash his brains out!”

“He didn’t make me do anything I wasn’t willing to do,” I said.

“You wanted those men?”

“No, Carson—I wanted their money. I was an idiot, and I’m paying for it now. The kids are going to learn what I did and they’ll hate me as much as you do. No judge in the world would give me custody, and I doubt that I’ll have a penny awarded to me in the financial settlement. Most of all, I’ve hurt a really good man, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore.”

Carson slowly lowered John to his feet. “Get out of here while I talk to my wife,” he said.

“I should call the cops!” John shot back.

“You do that,” I said evenly. “You call the cops—and I’ll call the newspaper and tell them everything, and I’ll mention names. John, I don’t have anything left to lose. Don’t push me too far.”

After he left I let out a long breath. Carson stood glaring at me, as if he was seeing me for the first time and hated what he saw. “Was he one of them?” he asked.

“No. I never slept with John. It was only the customers. This will sound insane, but I didn’t think that what I was doing was any different from typing up a contract. It was just a way to earn extra money. Frankly, I didn’t think you’d care. I mean, you never even sent me flowers or bought me nice things—”

“I’ve always cared about you. Hell, Jess, I’ve worked myself half to death just to give you what you wanted. Lots of times I’ve wanted to do something special for you, but every time something came up. Kristal needed a new dress for a pageant, or Jen needed ballet shoes. Lance needed to go to a better soccer camp. My money would only stretch so far.”

Was he saying that his neglect of me was my fault? “Surely you could have managed something for me, if you’d really loved me enough and wanted to make me happy.”

“Jessie, you’re like a grownup who still believes in Santa Claus, and you’re treating me like I’m the one who forgot to mail your list to him. Baby, I work as hard as any man alive. I want to give you and the kids the world, but I’m not capable of supporting you in the style you demand. Maybe it’s best that we do get divorced. This time, try to land a rich husband.”

“All the rich men I know are married. And they cheat on their wives. Carson, did you ever cheat on me?”

He shook his head. “I had offers, but no. I never did. I always thought of you and the kids and wasn’t even tempted.”

He made me feel two inches tall. There wasn’t anything left for us to say. I had to face the children and talk to them before they learned about me from someone else. Kristal was fourteen and knew about sex, but Lance and Jen were innocents without a clue. Somehow, I’d have to find the words to make them understand.

I left the office with Carson. He got into his truck and drove away. I went home. The children were with their nanny. As soon as I came in the door and put my purse down, she handed me her letter of resignation and asked for her final paycheck.

“I can’t work for you anymore, Mrs. Brooks. Everybody knows what kind of woman you are, and my husband said he’s afraid you’ll try to get me to go into prostitution if I keep working for you. I’m sure you can find someone to watch the kids.”

It felt as though everyone was deserting me. I had to take my final lumps, though. How much would the children hate me? Would they even want to see me again? I could stand to lose anything easier than I could give up my children.

Kristal was the first one I talked to. I explained as delicately as I could that I’d done some very bad things in order to get money.

“Mom, I didn’t need all of those dresses and the lessons,” she said. “I only entered the pageants because it made you happy, and I wanted you to be proud of me. I’m sorry that you did bad things just because of me.”

“No, honey, I didn’t do bad things because of you. It wasn’t your fault, Jen’s, or Lance’s. It wasn’t Dad’s fault. It was mine. All mine. I wanted to give you children things I never had.”

“We’d rather have you and Daddy and our family together than to win another trophy or buy new clothes.”

“I’m so sorry. People are going to say things about me, and it’s going to hurt your feelings, but I hope that someday you’ll forgive me.”

“I forgive you now. You’re my mom and I love you. I’m sorry you did bad things, but in Sunday School they teach us that everybody does bad things sometimes and we’re supposed to forgive them.”

There it was—forgiveness. I’d never learned how to forgive my parents for not having the money to give me the advantages I’d hungered for. Would I have wanted my mother to sell her body, or my father to pimp out his coworkers, just so I could take piano lessons? Absolutely not. Carson was right. I was like a grownup who believed in Santa Claus. I thought I deserved to have everything I wanted, and in getting it, I’d lost everything that mattered.

I wanted to die, I hated myself so much. But would that help anyone except me? It would just be a continuation of what I’d done all of my adult life, thinking of my own needs first.

That night I faced a truth that I hated: I hadn’t done things for my children; everything was for me. I was having a second chance at popularity and adoration through their achievements. They’d never wanted to be anything except kids, but I’d pushed them harder and harder to reach goals that only mattered to me.

Somehow, I made it through that night. The next day I explained to Jen and Lance that Daddy wasn’t going to live with us anymore, and that it was because I’d done something so bad that he couldn’t forgive me. They cried and then went quietly to their rooms. I walked around the house that I’d invested so much of Carson’s hard-earned money into and wondered if there was anything in it that mattered.

I’d sacrificed a life most women would envy. My husband loved me, was good to me, and tried to do everything in his power to make me happy—and I hadn’t cared. I had three healthy, smart, sweet children, and didn’t really know any of them. What was Kristal’s favorite movie? Which action figures did Lance enjoy the most? What flavor ice cream did Jen like? I didn’t know, because I had never let them tell me. Every conversation was about this pageant or that dance competition or the next soccer game.

A few months later I had to testify in the divorce hearing of one of the men I’d slept with. I’d never felt such shame as I felt sitting on the witness stand and admitting to my disgusting relationship with another woman’s husband.

Gossip spread so fast that when I pulled into my driveway, the neighbors were all watching. I wondered if I should have a scarlet letter embroidered on all my clothes. When I went inside, I smelled spaghetti cooking and wondered who was making dinner.  The sitter who watched the kids after school couldn’t thaw an ice cube.

I found Carson in the kitchen making his famous dish. “Hey, hope you don’t mind,” he said.

“Of course I don’t mind. This is still your house. We’re not divorced yet, and you have as much right to be here as I do. Actually, you have more.”

“Rumor was that you had to testify today,” he said.

“It was hell.”

“Jessie, people have done worse for reasons less noble. Not that I approve of what you did, but it wasn’t the unpardonable sin.”

“Are you saying you forgive me?”

“I’m saying I’m trying to. Kristal and I had a long talk. I think we’ve raised a missionary. She could be the next Mother Teresa if we were Catholic. Kristal thinks I should work on forgiving you. I’m willing to give it a try.”

“How can you forgive me? I’m the most selfish woman in town. I’ve been a lousy wife and mother, and I’ve broken up homes without giving a second thought to the pain I’d cause the wives of those men. I can’t forgive myself.”

“Then maybe we should all work on it together. As a family.”

I didn’t understand what he was saying. Was he trying to tell me he’d consider coming back? No. That couldn’t be. “What is it you want to do?”

Carson set the spoon down, took one of my hands and held it. “I’m not over what happened, Jessie. It might take a long time, but one thing is for sure: If I’m ever going to get over it, I have to start somewhere. I’d like to move back into the house. We’ll have separate rooms. I can fix up that room we were planning to make into a den. Maybe, in time, we can find our way back to each other.”

I wanted so much to kiss him. I’d never known a hero before, a white knight who rescued damsels in distress. But here was this man, whom I had shattered, offering to forgive me and to work things out. I’d taken him for granted once, but I’d never make that mistake again.

“I do have a few conditions,” he said.

Okay, I thought, here it comes.

“Kristal doesn’t want to do any more pageants. She’d rather work at the recreation center for underprivileged kids. Jen liked her old dance school better, and I can afford it. Lance wants to stick with soccer, but he doesn’t want to go to camp anymore, unless it’s one he picks for himself.”

“That’s really not much to ask.”

Carson smiled. “Jessie, I think you’re finally growing up.”

He was right. I grew up in those months after my shameful exposure. In time, people stopped staring at me, and the other kids stopped teasing my children. It took a lot of work on Carson’s part, but he forgave me. Now we share a marriage that is the most precious thing in my life.

Not many women can say that it took them sixteen years to fall in love with their husbands; not many would want to. But it took me that long because I wasn’t seeing the blessings right before my eyes. I see them now, and I’ll never take them for granted again. I’ve finally forgiven myself, thanks to the love of my family.